Shouting in Silence

 

Silenced viadeviantart

I had the most amazing experience when I went on a retreat with my yoga family last year.
I traveled by myself for the very first time at the age of 42 years old. I was so overwhelmed by the idea of it that I freaked out and tried to cancel the whole trip one day before travel. I was darn disappointed to find out that extreme anxiety was not a good enough reason to incite my travel insurance which would have allowed me to cancel the whole thing without losing all my money.
Unable to waste that much money I dutifully decided I would just have to bite the bullet and make my way to Costa Rica.

They said it would be life changing. I would make life long friends and learn so much about myself.

It was more than I was even told. The changes in my life have been so transformative that you would not even recognize that other girl- the pre-Costa Rica me. What a year it has been since that experience.

Shouting to be told in Silence was the prompt and this is what flowed from that girl I used to be.

She whispers, her voice meek and timid.
The words so strong find no breath, She has wisdom and compassion to share.
Her throat constricts, her breath ragged and labored- her heart pounds.

Her mind is trapped within a cage of inarticulation.
Built over time by fear of misunderstandings, her truth has been suspended.
Noose around neck, she is always on trial. Judged, misconstrued- guilty.

Her reality constantly turned on it's head as if thrown into a whirlwind.
She searches for tools to escape watching time whisk by. Waiting and watching, in search of some moment to slip by unnoticed.
Deafening quiet. She has been hiding and voiceless for far too long.
She does not recognize the way to freedom.

She is waiting and hoping with prayers of being freed by sudden perception. See me.
Begging to be recognized, to be acknowledged- redeemed in a revelation.

The real her- her words, emotions and her soul caught in a web of tangled inaccuracy's. She has been shouting for years but her story is always told in silence.

I took a a chance and read this poem to our yoga class. With courage I put myself out there with a New York Times best seller in the crowd. She immediately told me it was good- worthy of editing. I could be a writer? 

 I had been silenced by everyone in my life. I walked on eggshells because I was always wrong. I was silenced by judgements and expectations that I could never fulfill. I had shrunken from life barely living, rarely leaving my house. Even when there was no one in the real world wearing me out and causing me to have anxiety, I was haunted by the critical voice that constantly plays commentator in my head. That virtual Simon Cowell who has been there my entire life as far as I remember and pulls no punches. It goes over my every interaction with a fine toothed comb. Just digging for some possible misstep to play repeatedly at night. Always stealing my sleep as well as my daytime peace.

I returned realizing they were right, those beautiful yogi's. I met amazing people and made beautiful friendships. I found supportive people who give me strength and resilience through their kind words and continued reassurances.

I am now five months past that Costa Rica trip. My world has opened up and become an incredibly exciting place. I joined the elephant journal apprenticeship where I am continuing to develope my writers voice. I am so proud to have survived the editor's to have eight articles published. The old me could not have withstood the editors notes no matter how gentle. I am now in my second yoga teacher training and just finished the Rewind program to become certified to work with breast cancer patients/survivors. I could never have put myself in front of a full classroom and spoken with calm and sureness to instruct yoga.

The lesson for me has been that support is everything for a person. Finding relationships that feed your soul and allow you to share real community do change your existence. Your tribe does create your vibe.

The beauty is that I now go out into the world and seek to be supportive so that I may give back the gift I have been given. I have become the gift that keeps on giving.

An Empath's Responsibility.

"Our capacity to be nonviolent [i.e. empathic] depends on our proactive practice of courage, balance, love of self, and compassion for others." Adele, Deborah. The Yamas & Niyamas: Exploring Yoga's Ethical Practice.

Reading people is what I do. I have always known when people are grumpy, sad, hurt, upset, frustrated, offended. I sense it as if it were my emotion. I see their emotions in their eyes. I can begin to perceive it's connection in the world as I watch for clues in their speech and mannerisms.

Being an intuitive person we must remember that old saying "with great power comes great responsibility."

I felt victimized and hurt by my relationships. I thought others saw me and my overwhelm as clearly as I saw them.

Realizing that we may be in the same forest- but we see completely different trees, helped me to understand that I am responsible for showing people who I am. I thought there could be no greater gift. I am sensitive to people's every whim. I can see when someone has gotten their feelings hurt or if something is bothering them. I was not aware that by being so very in tune with them, I lost me. I had begun taking on other's emotions and made it my job to change the world in an effort for them to be happy. I watched as they became more and more reliant on me. My "fixing everything" for them fed into a belief that the world too, would always fit their every whim. My empathic need led me to over-help which had not prepared them for when life was not willing to bend for them. If I chose to eat at a restaurant that one of my kids didn't want to go to it was my job to try and make everyone happy. I worked to try to convince help to be happy or I would give in and we would go somewhere else. I planned to see a movie, but the rest of the family wanted a different film. I would cave to their preference, or we wouldn't go at all.  I had become so lost in other people's emotions that I stopped feeling mine altogether. My to-do list on repairing myself and my relationships has been challenging. I have to have the gumption to assert myself and demand equality.

I make decisions for myself that others may not agree with or like.

I turn my intuition inward to know myself again. Draw lines of separation between my likes and other's preferences.

I look for balance rather than placating. The most challenging action I have learned is the art of saying "no" to people. The power struggle for fairness for myself has been daunting, to say the least. There is push back from my loved ones. It is hard to keep my bearings. I often feel selfish (especially when I am repeatedly told that I am.) Change feels strange and uncomfortable to them. I no longer act as they wish and have come to expect. This self-work is the hardest change I have ever made in my life. There are inconsistencies in my behavior as I try to navigate this new world. I sometimes have to seek advice from trusted confidants to be sure I am on staying on track.  It has been heartbreaking to realize how completely unhealthy I have lived. My empathy has hurt me, and the people I love. All that realization has been the driving force to keep me going. I am determined to make changes and live with integrity to the wisdom bestowed. The upside is the empowerment and excitement about life. I am checking off my bucket list items. I have accomplished things that I never dreamed I would, or even could. The biggest lesson has been finding that unlike me, other people do not know when I am overwhelmed or hurt. They do not even have a clue that I am overburdened. When I begin to perceive heaviness in a relationship, I understand that I am taking on their problems. I am responsible to stand up for myself. I must then create separations to protect them and me. My over-giving had become perceived neediness from others in my relationships

As an empath, we must realize that our power can be disabling to others because we coped for them. This very special gift comes with the responsibility to not get lost in the blurrrd lines of self to others.

What an amazing discovery it has been to find me. I am out of that box of victimized self-deception and believing that it is noble to put myself last. I have come out of hiding, as I can differentiate my energies from those of others.

Are you an empath often overwhelmed by your relationships? You too might benefit by establishing some new rules in your relationships.

You Know Sexy? Let me Introduce You.

"So, what is sexy?" I asked him. A little twinkle in my eyes because I know exactly what sexy is.
Strangely he knows when he thinks something or someone is sexy but he doesn't know why.
The thing is- I do.
There is a secret to sexy. It isn't easy to put into words but I can describe it.
 Sexy is almost, sometimes, maybe.
Sexy is Angelina Jolie and never Jennifer Aniston.
Sexy is black leather and not white lace.
Sexy is feeling but never knowing for sure. Sexy is the thing you desire but can never have.
Sexy is not the girl next door. She is not the well put together lady, prim and proper with crossed legs and perfect hair.
She is messy and raw. Whether her eyes are lined and her lips painted bright red you will know her. The wild is in her eyes and the that untamed little part of her is what draws you in.
She attracts like a magnet because she is that expansion of everything. The empty space she creates becomes a vacuum that pulls everything toward her. Eyes cannot help but become stuck to her.
She is charming and non-threatening. Her way is flirty, funny- pliable. She wanders in life and like her gaze, she never exactly penetrates anyone or anything.
She is called a tease.
Her movements are not calculated nor her intentions clear, even to her. She is a free spirit-always searching for the next questions answer. She is not out to harm. She has no concept of the possible damage.
Whether she is tying her shoe or licking her lips there is sensuality. Perceived, known.
Her breath is felt from across the room, warm and sweet. Her skin is soft and smooth with every bare place known to every soul within sight.
She is not precise in her actions. She has no want to express power. She is not trying to impress anyone- she just is.
The eyes. It is in the eyes. She will read you and then answer all your questions without a word spoken. She knows. She wills. She senses every desire and men know it.

While you may get a taste, a sample- you will never possess her. Whatever made her, made her fluid. She is a flowing river. Always moving and changing. No beginning and no end she is unable to be caught and rarely ever dammed.
She may seem direct and sure, she may be erratic and disordered.
She is an enigma an perpetual conquest- she is irresistible.
One touch is lightening. One kiss, the kiss of death. She will know you with her body and you will never forget.
The world believes men powerful and she may seem vulnerable. It is the cross of these concepts that creates the beguilement.
Understand that the broken in her was caused by men. Her damage is unyielding. The causes of her unnatural allure set the trap.
She has drawn every arrow straight from the target on her heart and that gaping wound where she bleeds- is where the black hole begins.
She will love you but only as much as she loves everyone- and no one too.
She knows that she has something. She knows there is an allure. Not everyone has it or even knows of it.
She has no idea what it is or how she got it.
Unlike me, she doesn't even know what makes her sexy.
The soft and beautiful never betrays. She is everything that is sexy and to see her is to know it.
Guard your heart. The very ones who broke her will be the ones most attracted.
 

Love Her and Love Thee

Reclaimed strength beyond the tears,

She turned the corner and faced her fears.

Her presence is power and she still turns heads,

No longer just face beauty, her mind leads instead.

The world now hers to wander,

The wind- her wings to fly.

Stronger and resilient she has the will to try.

Support that came to fill her soul,

brought peace that claimed her mind,

Ambition brewing in her heart and love is in her eyes.

She has come to know her worth,

What she gives- she now receives.

Joy to come from this rebirth,

Content she can conceive.

Watch and come to know her,

Follow and be freed.

Accept the truth she offers- 

Love her and love thee.

When you have found a woman who knows her own heart, know she is a woman worthy of your love and respect. She will accept no less.

Written 1-22-99 "Learning to be me."

"The Dreamer"

Forever a dreamer with hopes for his life,

Plans for his future are like birds in the sky.

A life without ambition is a night without dreams,

A day without sunshine- A tree with no leaves.

Beautiful hopes that bring him a smile.

With his mind full of treasures he will pass by the while.

Wonderful thoughts he projects his tomorrow,

Peaceful and positive- the promise he borrows.

In his shining eyes, there burns such a dream,

It brightens the world as we await what he sees.

So who is this dreamer and will we ever know him?

This dreamer I speak of is also this poet. 

Originally Written 5-5-1990

By Traci Fulco

The Girl I Am.

Hi, I am Traci.
  I am an insecure, inhibited girl with the tendency to let other people overwhelm me with their opinions, wants, needs and judgments. I  am a vivacious overachiever when it comes to pleasing others and taking on their burdens. I give so much in fact that I became an empty vessel. I no longer know who I am or what I like. I shrink from things I would like to do for fear of the stress it may cause. If I do well, it might make someone else feel inferior, and if I do poorly, I will be a loser. I try to be of service to others but then often get burned when I ask for a favor returned. I feel guilty and unworthy of other people's time and therefore compensate them far more than customary. I give, with a full heart and with no expectations but I suffer from my feelings of resentment and animosity when I need support and find none.
 I fear abandonment and therefore cannot displease making myself very vulnerable to manipulation. I underestimate my worth- and overestimate my ability to give- leaving me cynical and anxious. I deplete myself, forever striving for generosity and kindness. Efforts that leave me tired and weary because I have nothing left to give. I allow myself to be used and abused in hopes of being loved and accepted. I am often disappointed with my relationships and life.
 I am tired and becoming angry. I often fantasize of hiding, running away, or just throwing everyone out of my life. I convince myself that is the easiest answer. I consider any one of those things workable but never considered changing myself.
 I am still Traci, but I am here to tell you I have a new plan. I went in search of myself. At odds with the life and relationships I created. I am tenaciously learning, growing and transforming myself. I am finding out the things that bring me joy and choosing what I do and do not do based on my needs, wants, and opinions. I am facing the things that cause me stress and fear, and with that, I am becoming braver, stronger, and proud of myself.
I practice new boundaries, only giving when it is a worthy cause, and my efforts are appreciated. I am becoming more independent, resilient, and HAPPY. I am actively weeding out the people and things who hurt me or are “takers” in my life. I am replacing them with individuals who wish to share and complement my efforts with their own.

 I am a girl who has with great effort-stumbled across my ugly truth. I have seen what I cannot unsee, and I choose not to accept it.  Where most spend a lifetime trying to convince themselves they are happy and complete, shrinking from the honesty of ourselves and staying safe on our well-worn path for comfort and ease. I have decidedly jumped into reality come rapture or ruin. I have decided to take a chance and make a change. It is a bumpy and foreign path I now explore. It is challenging and often difficult to face as it shines a light on my shortcomings and insecurities for me to see and note. Even more unsettling it puts me out there for others to see and perceive as they will. Still, I have chosen the path where I live my own my truth. I am facing my fears. I am ready to be down and dirty honest with myself. It is horrifying sometimes, yet it is invigorating and exciting with the promise of immense growth, adventure, and reward.

Hi, I am Traci, and no longer that girl I once was. I am changed and still changing in this process of creating my new life. I am making myself whole as I find my pieces and put them all together for the world to see… I am breaking myself down and examining all the parts to overhaul… to be fluid and keep evolving. I am sometimes struggling and flailing trying to find footing and seeking balance but I am also learning to fly -full of hope and a new love for myself, and I am elated.

I get to be everything I ever was and also everything I want to be. I get to let go of what I am no longer and what does not serve me. I am acknowledging my wounds and mending my brokenness. Becoming what I am meant to be by consciously creating and molding myself. It is painstaking and makes me feel so very vulnerable, but the end product of every lesson is a far more authentic, resilient, respectable, graceful, beautiful and most importantly LOVABLE self.
I am Traci, the very best version, so far.

Water is Life- It Requires Our Respect and Devotion.

Life is me and I am life.

I am water.

Sometimes I wash over in a flood- rushing.

To sweep away all that was and lay ground for new beginnings.

Then I can be a stream, gently flowing. 

The tears that flow with emotion.

Vulnerability. I heal and replenish the soul.

I am the river.

A strong current of life, always moving and changing.

I bring nourishment and gifts. My span immense and my length spans the country.

Though there may be ebb and flow I am constant as I run.

The path for many and a way of deliverance from far away.

 

I am the ocean.

I come in and move out dancing with the moon.

Sometimes powerful and dangerous, always beautiful and eternal.

I can crash and sweep- hiding the past as I keep safe the secrets and drown out sorrows.

I can also be vicious- devouring what seeks to conquer me.

I always bring wonder and inspiration to those who respect me. 

I am the water alive, depleted- yet vital; I will come and I'll go.

I am life giving and life taking- neither all good or bad.  

I am water- and like you, I require care.

Something More. Costa Rica 2016

There is a secret, 

An untold truth.

It begs to be known, yet is somewhat aloof.

It sits quietly with you, 

It is inside and out. 

It rests in your conscious, and even self-doubt.

It knocks at your doorways and lingers in halls,

It shows up with fireflies and falling gongs.

I heard monkey's sing it, we all caught a glimpse.

It is present in each word and with each heightened sense.

This "more" is a presence- power and be-ing.

I see it in you and you see it in me.

We are the children, we give it life.

A gift for our happiness, our strength and our strife.

Walking beside you, together on path-

Strong and together with love in our laugh.

As we sit quietly, attending to mind,

Awareness is the treasure we are all sure to find.

To all the ones who have come to show me the way or be led by my light.  Support is everything.

Meditation

Meditation gives me the power to change my reactions- and that changes everything in my current world. Enlightenment comes in stages. It is sometimes found in that moment when your world stops turning and your mind is suddenly still.  Just for a glimpse, you can look deep inside yourself. I was so profoundly affected by my practice that I decided to become a meditation teacher.

I would like to share with you what meditation has helped me realize so far, and how you too, can begin to see benefits from a personal practice.

It is true I have walked through some fires and I bear all the scars of those flames. But through self reflection and meditation's clarity I have found purpose and wisdom in the ashes. I now know depths of love and safety that I could have never imagined. I have found a pathway to happiness and home within my own skin. I can honestly say I love my life and I enjoy every second I am given- even the hard and trying days.

For me, it was usually only a monumental circumstance that shook me enough to find a momentary place of stillness. Great joy or great pain would offer a glance that allowed me to realize I am a speck in the universe and that all of the life that I have experienced is only a teardrop in the middle of this giant, endless ocean. I now have a secret door to that place. A clear and uncluttered access to the soul that I truly am. Perhaps you might like to find a door for yourself too.

Strangely, the person I see when I go so far inside is not the person I thought I was at all. She is far removed from what I think to be my inward beliefs. We are both raw and damaged but she is graceful and gentle. Split from my outer self we have been painfully chiseled and fractured apart by unloving judgements and hurtful projections. But safe from the eyes of all the world this soul is still pure, honest and seeking acceptance. She is extremely sure that she is unsure of everything... This authentic soul puts on the smiling mask and persona of what she believes to be acceptable and walks through the her everyday not living her truth. Desperately shielding her tattered soul from being not nice enough, not good enough, not right enough for the people around her.
I look in the mirror at that frightened, shallow person who greets the world everyday and I can see the painfully contrived effort to please.
The truth I can now see is that even at soul level I was a mess. Because I was hurt and torn- I had become bitter and jaded, angry -all that emotion turned inward. A voice in my head always battering my delicate inner conscious with an echolalia of hateful self-deprecating propaganda... In the quiet of meditation, I can go into the eye of that storm where I have found that I am preserved- pure and genuine. I am, and will always be- all the love, joy, laughter, hate, fear and anguish that I have seen and known. But with the quiet mind, I realize I can decide what to do with those past experiences, and I can consciously choose not to wear the mask.

With regular meditation, I have come to see this split in myself clearly. I am working now to allow my experiences to bring the changes of perspective that continue to move me to wholeness. Building trust in my own truths- mask-less.

As I excavate my truth, I am sometimes crashed against the rocks, drug out to the sea, eroded further by my unrealized emotional pain. But I know now that I am being weathered into the beautiful soul that I am meant to be. With each breath I take--- she becomes a little more me- mask removed. I can let down my shield when I see that I was challenged not tortured by the things that once made me this beautifully broken girl.
Vulnerability exposed becomes a beautiful experience. Mistakes and fears become stories to unearth and own. There has been some shame and sadness especially in having been so blind and ignorant. But there is ever growing self-worth and humble pride in being robust enough to fight for me. To make it through and find profound and absolute love within me, for myself.

I am slowly finding that I can trust and share myself with the right people. No longer in need of sharp cutting facets- I am becoming shiny and smooth with my hard-earned polished edges.

 Here is a quick start to get you into your own healing, meditation practice. The trick to meditation is “practice" so be consistent. Set a timer- there are hundreds of meditation timers available as apps on your phone. Become still and quiet in a comfortable position, and place where you will not be disturbed. When beginning a new practice, it is often helpful to focus on your breath or even repeat a mantra until you find that your mind has slowed. With practice, there are ever growing periods of stillness there. Allow your breathing to become slower, deeper and more even. Let the mind do as it will and let thoughts pass peacefully through your consciousness. Try not to attach to anyone thought. Acknowledge thoughts and simply let them pass by letting your attention gently wander back to the breath or mantra.

Start small with 5 minutes. Build as your ability to stay becomes stronger without need to force. I have had some teachers who believe that silence is the best meditation and others who prefer mantra or peaceful music. My personal belief is that different days will call for different meditations. Do whatever works best for you. Don't be afraid to mix it up and try different methods. Be curious and let it be an adventure to try a variety of meditations. Guided meditations are plentiful, and can be very uplifting. Use whatever methods help you to enjoy your practice. Be consistent with the time you designate to meditate. Let it be a self-indulgent ritual that you adhere to for the sheer joy of being good to yourself. While you cannot expect Buddha himself to fall into your lap- you can expect to find more peace in your days. There will be subtle changes in your coping mechanisms over time.

You will become an ever more patient, graceful, compassionate you.

Meditate, become still, be brave and look deep inside all the way to soul. When you are peacefully a drop in the one vast ocean you will see that you, like me, are a bright and shiny soul- we all are.