I realize the truth, I am on my path when living according to my beliefs and ideas.
We were kept off-balance through mind games. Subtle shifts in reasoning go by mostly unnoticed but soon become the glue that holds you. Within our cult, we were taught that our inner voice is the enemy of our success. It is seen as a negative thing; a problematic nuisance that prevents us from reaching our highest potential. Such a warped version of the idea can, without careful scrutiny, be accepted as truth. We do have instances where we hold ourselves back out of insecurity. The perversion became insidious when they began to use uncertainty interchangeably with instinct.
As they expected red flags to start flying, we were told not to speak to one another about our doubts. Threatened with the idea that would be in "dissent," they used our fear of guilt and shame to keep us from "gossiping" to one another. They halted our critical thinking and alienated us to deal with our anxieties with no feedback. They groomed us by teaching us that fighting our inner demons means quieting anything that feels like fear or misgivings. This set us up with shame for removing ourselves from situations that are uncomfortable. Even when we sensed things might be outside our truth, and sometimes things seemed entirely wrong- we wanted to live up to her expectations. She did expect us to ignore our personal boundaries to follow her rules. To do anything other than her bidding invites shame, unacceptability and her loss of belief in you. The cult believes these feelings to be weaknesses we must work through, and you must rise to the challenge to win her affection.
The most disturbing part is the loss of my intelligent and loving friends. I am watching them give up their individuality as they substitute their passions, interests, and goals in trade for the pointless rituals being pushed on them as they become convinced of yoga's all-importance. It is their beautiful human qualities of loyalty and genuine love that blinds them to her. I will not be angry or hurt as they ostracize me for speaking out for them. They are doing precisely what they feel is ethical and moral, standing by the leader they think is saving their souls and bringing them a better quality of life. I once believed that too.
I want to understand how this cult thing works to alter your very reality so completely. I am both fascinated and sickened by the strategic genius that makes the indoctrination a reliable equation. The unwitting refusal to see or believe what is painfully clear to all the outside world is a shocking phenomenon. There exists a method of magical equation that conforms free-thinkers. It convinces them that adopting a cults doctrine is freedom. Twisting our very best qualities into our ruin. I can tell you-you cannot see it at all until you do. Once it comes into focus, you cannot then unsee it.
The moment I popped out of the group-think I observed, as if an entirely new person, the absurdity of everything that had been going on around me. I saw through my own eyes again, and the things I had believed benign were suddenly bizarre, strange and even childish. The sinister part is that I had traded my thinking mind for this illogical entertainment and lost myself in the process. They were changing our reality, and we never noticed that they had taken the driver's seat. Only from the outside can I acknowledge that I had begun setting up my life in their tiny jail cell. Navigating the maze of controlling rules and regulations that had never been in my best interest had become my most significant life goal. That constant rhetoric and alienation had stolen my preferences, changed my priorities and convinced me to further their agenda. I let it take my time and attention from all the things I genuinely consider valuable.
I gave up my healthy routine for sleep stealing hours of meditation. I no longer took time to write. I was too busy studying yogic beliefs and perfecting asana to spend time with family and non-yoga friends. I had become unwittingly compelled to give up my entire life to the yoga world I was sucked into. After a while, I mentally beat myself up if I didn't practice every day. I stopped doing any of my other favorite types of workout because I believed my peace and understanding hinged on all the hours of yoga. Afterall, that is what I was taught.
It shocks me how hard it was to release myself from her ideas. They were so skillfully implanted and gracefully reinforced. Through the logical process of deduction, anyone can see that the entire premise of her teachings is paradoxical. Told that we would free our minds from those implanted in our upbringing, promised a way to our authenticity; we were actually being reprogrammed with their doctrine. Not cleansed and freed but switched to a belief system even further from our own. The irony is unbelievable.
