Shouting in Silence

 

Silenced viadeviantart

I had the most amazing experience when I went on a retreat with my yoga family last year.
I traveled by myself for the very first time at the age of 42 years old. I was so overwhelmed by the idea of it that I freaked out and tried to cancel the whole trip one day before travel. I was darn disappointed to find out that extreme anxiety was not a good enough reason to incite my travel insurance which would have allowed me to cancel the whole thing without losing all my money.
Unable to waste that much money I dutifully decided I would just have to bite the bullet and make my way to Costa Rica.

They said it would be life changing. I would make life long friends and learn so much about myself.

It was more than I was even told. The changes in my life have been so transformative that you would not even recognize that other girl- the pre-Costa Rica me. What a year it has been since that experience.

Shouting to be told in Silence was the prompt and this is what flowed from that girl I used to be.

She whispers, her voice meek and timid.
The words so strong find no breath, She has wisdom and compassion to share.
Her throat constricts, her breath ragged and labored- her heart pounds.

Her mind is trapped within a cage of inarticulation.
Built over time by fear of misunderstandings, her truth has been suspended.
Noose around neck, she is always on trial. Judged, misconstrued- guilty.

Her reality constantly turned on it's head as if thrown into a whirlwind.
She searches for tools to escape watching time whisk by. Waiting and watching, in search of some moment to slip by unnoticed.
Deafening quiet. She has been hiding and voiceless for far too long.
She does not recognize the way to freedom.

She is waiting and hoping with prayers of being freed by sudden perception. See me.
Begging to be recognized, to be acknowledged- redeemed in a revelation.

The real her- her words, emotions and her soul caught in a web of tangled inaccuracy's. She has been shouting for years but her story is always told in silence.

I took a a chance and read this poem to our yoga class. With courage I put myself out there with a New York Times best seller in the crowd. She immediately told me it was good- worthy of editing. I could be a writer? 

 I had been silenced by everyone in my life. I walked on eggshells because I was always wrong. I was silenced by judgements and expectations that I could never fulfill. I had shrunken from life barely living, rarely leaving my house. Even when there was no one in the real world wearing me out and causing me to have anxiety, I was haunted by the critical voice that constantly plays commentator in my head. That virtual Simon Cowell who has been there my entire life as far as I remember and pulls no punches. It goes over my every interaction with a fine toothed comb. Just digging for some possible misstep to play repeatedly at night. Always stealing my sleep as well as my daytime peace.

I returned realizing they were right, those beautiful yogi's. I met amazing people and made beautiful friendships. I found supportive people who give me strength and resilience through their kind words and continued reassurances.

I am now five months past that Costa Rica trip. My world has opened up and become an incredibly exciting place. I joined the elephant journal apprenticeship where I am continuing to develope my writers voice. I am so proud to have survived the editor's to have eight articles published. The old me could not have withstood the editors notes no matter how gentle. I am now in my second yoga teacher training and just finished the Rewind program to become certified to work with breast cancer patients/survivors. I could never have put myself in front of a full classroom and spoken with calm and sureness to instruct yoga.

The lesson for me has been that support is everything for a person. Finding relationships that feed your soul and allow you to share real community do change your existence. Your tribe does create your vibe.

The beauty is that I now go out into the world and seek to be supportive so that I may give back the gift I have been given. I have become the gift that keeps on giving.

An Empath's Responsibility.

"Our capacity to be nonviolent [i.e. empathic] depends on our proactive practice of courage, balance, love of self, and compassion for others." Adele, Deborah. The Yamas & Niyamas: Exploring Yoga's Ethical Practice.

Reading people is what I do. I have always known when people are grumpy, sad, hurt, upset, frustrated, offended. I sense it as if it were my emotion. I see their emotions in their eyes. I can begin to perceive it's connection in the world as I watch for clues in their speech and mannerisms.

Being an intuitive person we must remember that old saying "with great power comes great responsibility."

I felt victimized and hurt by my relationships. I thought others saw me and my overwhelm as clearly as I saw them.

Realizing that we may be in the same forest- but we see completely different trees, helped me to understand that I am responsible for showing people who I am. I thought there could be no greater gift. I am sensitive to people's every whim. I can see when someone has gotten their feelings hurt or if something is bothering them. I was not aware that by being so very in tune with them, I lost me. I had begun taking on other's emotions and made it my job to change the world in an effort for them to be happy. I watched as they became more and more reliant on me. My "fixing everything" for them fed into a belief that the world too, would always fit their every whim. My empathic need led me to over-help which had not prepared them for when life was not willing to bend for them. If I chose to eat at a restaurant that one of my kids didn't want to go to it was my job to try and make everyone happy. I worked to try to convince help to be happy or I would give in and we would go somewhere else. I planned to see a movie, but the rest of the family wanted a different film. I would cave to their preference, or we wouldn't go at all.  I had become so lost in other people's emotions that I stopped feeling mine altogether. My to-do list on repairing myself and my relationships has been challenging. I have to have the gumption to assert myself and demand equality.

I make decisions for myself that others may not agree with or like.

I turn my intuition inward to know myself again. Draw lines of separation between my likes and other's preferences.

I look for balance rather than placating. The most challenging action I have learned is the art of saying "no" to people. The power struggle for fairness for myself has been daunting, to say the least. There is push back from my loved ones. It is hard to keep my bearings. I often feel selfish (especially when I am repeatedly told that I am.) Change feels strange and uncomfortable to them. I no longer act as they wish and have come to expect. This self-work is the hardest change I have ever made in my life. There are inconsistencies in my behavior as I try to navigate this new world. I sometimes have to seek advice from trusted confidants to be sure I am on staying on track.  It has been heartbreaking to realize how completely unhealthy I have lived. My empathy has hurt me, and the people I love. All that realization has been the driving force to keep me going. I am determined to make changes and live with integrity to the wisdom bestowed. The upside is the empowerment and excitement about life. I am checking off my bucket list items. I have accomplished things that I never dreamed I would, or even could. The biggest lesson has been finding that unlike me, other people do not know when I am overwhelmed or hurt. They do not even have a clue that I am overburdened. When I begin to perceive heaviness in a relationship, I understand that I am taking on their problems. I am responsible to stand up for myself. I must then create separations to protect them and me. My over-giving had become perceived neediness from others in my relationships

As an empath, we must realize that our power can be disabling to others because we coped for them. This very special gift comes with the responsibility to not get lost in the blurrrd lines of self to others.

What an amazing discovery it has been to find me. I am out of that box of victimized self-deception and believing that it is noble to put myself last. I have come out of hiding, as I can differentiate my energies from those of others.

Are you an empath often overwhelmed by your relationships? You too might benefit by establishing some new rules in your relationships.