The Girl I Am.

Hi, I am Traci.
  I am an insecure, inhibited girl with the tendency to let other people overwhelm me with their opinions, wants, needs and judgments. I  am a vivacious overachiever when it comes to pleasing others and taking on their burdens. I give so much in fact that I became an empty vessel. I no longer know who I am or what I like. I shrink from things I would like to do for fear of the stress it may cause. If I do well, it might make someone else feel inferior, and if I do poorly, I will be a loser. I try to be of service to others but then often get burned when I ask for a favor returned. I feel guilty and unworthy of other people's time and therefore compensate them far more than customary. I give, with a full heart and with no expectations but I suffer from my feelings of resentment and animosity when I need support and find none.
 I fear abandonment and therefore cannot displease making myself very vulnerable to manipulation. I underestimate my worth- and overestimate my ability to give- leaving me cynical and anxious. I deplete myself, forever striving for generosity and kindness. Efforts that leave me tired and weary because I have nothing left to give. I allow myself to be used and abused in hopes of being loved and accepted. I am often disappointed with my relationships and life.
 I am tired and becoming angry. I often fantasize of hiding, running away, or just throwing everyone out of my life. I convince myself that is the easiest answer. I consider any one of those things workable but never considered changing myself.
 I am still Traci, but I am here to tell you I have a new plan. I went in search of myself. At odds with the life and relationships I created. I am tenaciously learning, growing and transforming myself. I am finding out the things that bring me joy and choosing what I do and do not do based on my needs, wants, and opinions. I am facing the things that cause me stress and fear, and with that, I am becoming braver, stronger, and proud of myself.
I practice new boundaries, only giving when it is a worthy cause, and my efforts are appreciated. I am becoming more independent, resilient, and HAPPY. I am actively weeding out the people and things who hurt me or are “takers” in my life. I am replacing them with individuals who wish to share and complement my efforts with their own.

 I am a girl who has with great effort-stumbled across my ugly truth. I have seen what I cannot unsee, and I choose not to accept it.  Where most spend a lifetime trying to convince themselves they are happy and complete, shrinking from the honesty of ourselves and staying safe on our well-worn path for comfort and ease. I have decidedly jumped into reality come rapture or ruin. I have decided to take a chance and make a change. It is a bumpy and foreign path I now explore. It is challenging and often difficult to face as it shines a light on my shortcomings and insecurities for me to see and note. Even more unsettling it puts me out there for others to see and perceive as they will. Still, I have chosen the path where I live my own my truth. I am facing my fears. I am ready to be down and dirty honest with myself. It is horrifying sometimes, yet it is invigorating and exciting with the promise of immense growth, adventure, and reward.

Hi, I am Traci, and no longer that girl I once was. I am changed and still changing in this process of creating my new life. I am making myself whole as I find my pieces and put them all together for the world to see… I am breaking myself down and examining all the parts to overhaul… to be fluid and keep evolving. I am sometimes struggling and flailing trying to find footing and seeking balance but I am also learning to fly -full of hope and a new love for myself, and I am elated.

I get to be everything I ever was and also everything I want to be. I get to let go of what I am no longer and what does not serve me. I am acknowledging my wounds and mending my brokenness. Becoming what I am meant to be by consciously creating and molding myself. It is painstaking and makes me feel so very vulnerable, but the end product of every lesson is a far more authentic, resilient, respectable, graceful, beautiful and most importantly LOVABLE self.
I am Traci, the very best version, so far.