Gift of Light

This story begins on a hilltop blanketed with snow. There is the smell of pine and the sound of wind rustling through branches. The air is cold biting your cheeks and nose with its sharpness. The moon is full and so bright it is almost like daylight. Snowflakes drift on the breeze and shimmer in the beams of the moon.


In the distance, there is a cabin with a warm golden glow emanating from its paned glass.  Christmas lights twinkle and the dark silhouette of wreaths can be seen at each window. The chimney is alive with smoke that billows and then disappears into the night.


There is a crunch of the snow beneath your feet as you make your way to the little cabin. Deep footprints mark where you have been. Reaching the steps to the porch you are greeted with a welcoming feeling of home.


The cabin is cozy, so you leave your coat and boots at the hooks in the entry. There is a comfy chair with a soft throw and your favorite book waiting for you near the roaring fireplace. You settle in with a warm drink.


Through the window, you can see the snowflakes still drift by...



As you revel in the comforts of your surroundings, your heart is filled with good will and joy. You begin to think of your loved ones, and as each face drifts through your mind, you find one perfect word for the blessing you would bestow. Peace, love, comfort, understanding, patience, gentleness, true love, forgiveness... As each word passes through your mind, it is sent out as a gift as a gift of your spirit. Like snowflakes in the passing breeze, each blessing is sent out into the world and delivered to every person you have bestowed a word. With your eyes closed and your heart full hold your wishes for the world in your hands. See each wish as a snowflake held in your hands. Take a deep breath in just like you were going to blow out the candles on your birthday cake and blow into your hands. Know in your heart with full certainty that each gift will be delivered perfectly and that you have absolutely put generosity of your spirit out into the world for all to feel. Now let your mind watch- like a snow globe as the world receive its gifts. You need no money to bring happiness and love to the people around you. We all have something to give-  it is a little shine out from the light in our hearts.

A Forty Day Challenge.

It occurs to me that much of my upsets in life are simply from getting out of balance. When I spend my time judging myself- my actions, my world, I then end up turning that judgement onto the people around me and their actions. I begin to set a course according to these judgments. I inevitably start to tip the scales of my views to the sides I believe to be "right." The problem comes with this over-steering. This is where my balance is lost, and my life begins to slosh from the sides. Soon I am an empty vessel with nothing left to give. I have spilled out too much in every direction being too nice here and greedy there. Overindulgent in some ways and self-sacrificing in others. My view of the world gets so skewed that I no longer make reasonable decisions or have the capacity to see straight. How do we find our way when the world is moving so quickly around us? Is there any steady place where one might step back and get a clearer view to try and navigate life with a bit more equanimity?

So, here I am in the middle of a 40 day, 31-minute meditation. I have tormented myself with the fear of messing this up. The rules are that you must complete your meditation each day. If you forget for any reason or neglect to do it for whatever purpose you must start over completely from day one. I find that terrifying- like the thing of nightmares. I was facing some pretty serious resistance to this assignment. It took some time for me to negotiate it with myself but I have contractually signed on to do this thing, and I am committed to it despite my absolute distaste for being forced into such things. I am a fighter- I rebel against authoritative pressures. I abhor being told what I have to do and then being given unnecessarily hard rules. This was sure to be a test of my integrity and a real battle against my inner dialogue.

I have been given a meditation chosen especially for me by my mentors and is part of my latest yoga teacher training.  Without a doubt, I can be sure it will give me a new perspective from which to view life. If I can make it through I will also have some real pride in having actually accomplished it. I am of course doing this alongside my fellow teachers in training each having been given personalized meditations that are unique to fit the respective paths on this journey.
I partnered up with a friend to help us stay accountable and to stay on track. We text each other to let the other know when we have finished for the day. My partner has started over a couple of times now. She is a trooper and just declares she must need more time. I cannot lie, I freak out at the mere thought of messing this up.
I am the queen of forgetfulness. There are more times I have screwed up my schedule than ever stuck to it. I am so paranoid about missing a day that I have become obsessed with getting it done. It is to the point that everything else may be pushed to the wayside just so I get this meditation done. I am, so far, still on my first try and only 18 more days to go. This is no way makes me feel better. As a matter of fact, each day is just a day closer to the end, and that means makes a foul up at this point- tragic.
I do not think that meditating is supposed to amp up your anxiety, yet here I am. Leave it to me to figure out a way to make this a stressful event.
My personalized meditations consist of three that combine for my required 31 minutes. My first and most painfully awkward is for self-love and self-understanding. It is a three part exercise that begins with 11 minutes of quiet breathing. I hold a pose with one hand over my head then 2 more 3-minute postures that continue to drain the blood from my arms. This leaves me feeling achy and tingly for several minutes.
So far I have experienced days of complete restlessness where my mind refuses to cooperate. I spent the entire time fighting against the want to go and do something else. These type days I feel like I am wasting my time. I seem to believe that I have more important things to get done. I am quite aware that self-love is being worked on when these days arise. I am blown away by the overwhelmingly obvious message that I am putting cleaning my house or some other task before my self-care. Other times I find myself wishing I had that 31 minutes to add to my workout. This thought presents me with my addiction to my workout. I worry about the amount of time I will have to spend on it. It has come to my attention that working out takes top priority slot in my day.
Next is my focus and clarity meditation. This one is only 3 minutes and goes by very fast. At first, I disliked the hand position for this one and found myself having a difficult time keeping my posture correct. The pose has since come to remind me a bit of an elephant trunk which I find a bit comical, and it fits since it is the Ganesha meditation. I focus on this elephant trunk image and remind myself this is to be a remover of obstacles in my life. ( The irony of my own thoughts being my obstacles is not lost on me.)
I purposely make the prosperity meditation my last. It is much easier to sit with myself during this one. I have movement and mantra to keep my mind busy. This one I easily get lost in, and it goes by very quickly.
Finding the quiet meditations more difficult is expected and yet unsettling. Until I started to meditate, I did not realize what a challenge it is to sit quietly with my mind. My first lesson has realized my restlessness.  Comparing the moving meditation and the still has been very eye-opening.
This unrest is the starting point of my anxiety. I am finding that time is the catalyst to much of my angst in life. These two elements, time and unrest, come together into a storm in the form of "need to dos." I have realized through stillness that I am constantly on a self-made timeline- a perpetual race to get to the next task. I have set myself up with a never ending list of chores and a tight, no-nonsense schedule in which they must get accomplished.
No wonder I have found life exhausting and so often feel overwhelmed.
I have begun asking myself "So what misfortune befalls us if the laundry doesn't get done right now?" "Who dies if I do not unload those dishes until I come in to make dinner?" "Can I relax even if I see a bit of dog hair on my floor after I already vacuumed this morning?" Many times the answer is a resounding  "No, " and I find myself back in the race. I seem to be fighting to keep the balance between feeling like a complete slob and being a task master to myself- but I am working on it.

If this 40 day brings more peace and gratitude to my life, it will have been worth it. I am hanging in there and will report back in once finished. Perhaps I will have found more insights in the remaining days. Until then, wish me luck!

You and Me

If you take this walk with me,


You may find me witty and easy on the eyes,


But stop, and take a longer look,


You will see so much more inside.



Underneath the exterior,


Far down to the core,


You would find a soul that's searching-


I hear a call not easily ignored.



You might watch and wonder,


as tears come to my eyes,


In my words and every tender moment,


I feel an intensity I can't deny.



I am forever questing,


for reasons, ideas, and truths,


Searching out my faith and love, inner peace and proofs.



Layer upon layer,


Not easily described,


I am endless mix of feelings and


emotions that turbulently collide.



In life, I am often conflicted,


So confused and hard to know,


I am moods forever changing,


A stream of thoughts that toss my soul,



There is one thing that is forever,


It has permanence in my heart,


That is love- so never ending,


It is a sea that never parts.




You are in my ocean,


You are moonlight on its ebb,


You move with me and light my path,


You have followed where ever I have led.




You've had patience with my yearnings,


Given space and let me grow,


Pain is in my process,


But I so truly know...




When my waves are breaking,


And every-things unrest,


The outcomes of those makings-


have always been for best.




Whats bent and is not broken,


What waits, believes and knows,


That is more than ordinary-


it is love in growth.



At another crossroad to the journey,


with another lesson learned,


you look at me and hold my hand,


we've made it through a turn.




It's been a daunting journey.


It's been a crazy ride.


It's another joy of living,


And here we are side-by-side.




Let's just take this moment-


let's stop and rest and see,


The end of our latest chapter-


still, culminates with You and Me.

Dragged from the Plane: United.

How can we live in a free country when we must fear being unfairly punished by law enforcement officers? 

I had a short conversation with a woman who works at my doctor's office today.

I have been mulling over our conversation for hours now. Such a brief little joking comment stirred up an entire dilemma in my mind. The conversation was about summer and travel. I joked about Xanax for the flying trips. I then made a joke about flying United thus needing the Xanax before we ever take off. Perhaps you have heard about the man drug off of his United flight in recent news? (https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/10/business/united-flight-passenger-dragged.html) The words that she spoke in reply have mystified me all day long. "He should have gotten up and got off the plane"she said to me. 

I am a thinker. I often take a comment and mull it overs for hours. I like to learn and grow with the theories behind people's beliefs. I want to test myself and the beliefs I hold- to figure out all the possibilities.

I admit, I would have done exactly as any officer asked of me. Why would that have been my action? Assuming I had paid for my ticket and boarded with all proprieties met, why would I bend to unfair treatment? 

Upon introspection it is not because I should have to give up my seat to a higher bidder. It is not because it is customary or lawful to be forced out of my purchased seat.

No, it is because I am afraid officers might come break out my teeth. I fear being beaten senseless because I dared to stand up for my rights as a human, citizen and customer.

I am no police hater. I support catching bad guys. Going after people who are out to hurt innocent people is a noble cause. I have  respect for anyone who acts with integrity and serves as a protector to their fellow man. 

I do have a big problem with all misuse of authority. 

I am always baffled by police interventions that do not involve any broken laws. How is such a matter within the scope of their duties. Who decides it is a police matter when no laws are being broken and no one is in any danger?

I am pondering these questions as I get back to the United flight. I consider my reply, "I would have given up my seat. But I always respect those who stand up for their rights because without them, we would have no rights."

I do not believe the police have any authority to oversee company policies. Policies are not the same as laws. The officers could have told United Airlines that this was not their business- this was a matter for a courtroom. The police are only needed to arrest an airline employee who physically removes a peaceful, paying passenger from his seat.

We blindly accept the actions of anyone considered an authority in our society. People, as well as officers, believe that questioning authority in itself is a crime.(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contempt_of_cop) There is even a belief among many that disrespect of authority is worthy of grievous battery. Punishment is carried out by officers without any court ruling or guilty verdict.

What does it mean to be an American?

We are safe to know and exercise our rights.

We are free to live without fear of unfair authority or injustice because we have a Bill of Rights and a Constitution.

We are innocent until proven guilty within those rights and have the right to a jury of our peers. 

We have become numb to the truth and forgotten what freedom looks like. Though we know the words "I support" we have lost sight of freedom as being unafraid to exercise our rights. To actually support freedom we stand up for justice. We have lost our sense of morality and integrity as we defend bullies and shame victims. 

The undeniable truth surrounding this whole ordeal for me can be boiled down to four points of law.

1. Officers of the law are not meant to enforce company policies. 

2. It is still not a crime to disrespect authority. We remain free to be complete assholes as long as we remain peaceful. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Failure_to_obey_a_police_order)

3. No amount of perceived danger or disrespect empowers an officer to assault, beat, gun down or in any way harm innocent civilians. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lists_of_killings_by_law_enforcement_officers)

4. Justice is for courtrooms not streets or airplane cabins.

5. "In accordance with human rights law, victims have a right to forcibly resist police brutality where absolutely necessary to prevent serious and irreparable harm. Notably, police brutality entailing extrajudicial killings, torture and inhuman treatment may be resisted."(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Police_brutality)

I feel we must bring to light how often we can no longer trust the people who are supposed to uphold justice and protect the innocent in our country. Fellow officers are supporting these transgressions and become angry at people who oppose the wrongdoing.(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_wall_of_silence) Even our courts are often not upholding justice for wronged citizens and punishing wrongdoing by authorities. 

 The U.S. Supreme Court has consistently held that officers be given the benefit of the doubt that they acted lawfully in fulfilling their duties, a position reaffirmed in Saucier v. Katz, 533 U.S. 194 (2001).^[4]"

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_wall_of_silence)

 I am not asking anyone to become unruly or even disrespectful. I do not believe we must take justice into our own hands. I am asking for support for the people who are putting themselves in harms way to right wrongs by authority figures. Let's help by standing up for their rights, even when they acted lawfully but disrespectfully. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural_and_legal_rights) Remember your rights and expect that they be supported and protected. Let's defend freedom and live as our forefather's believed American's were meant to.

A Mother's Day Message: Be a Leader Instead of a Teacher.

In the quiet of the day- and trust me there isn't much in this house. I search my soul for an inventory of happiness, fulfillment, and an overall picture of my feelings about who I am.


For the most part, I find my life very challenging and rewarding. I find myself filled with love and contentment. On the other hand, there is the struggle to maintain order and to always do what is best for my children- after all; they are my life's work and the task I have chosen for my life. Children are an investment in the future and a massive venture that must be well tended and greatly loved, right?


We are told that it is not about what makes them happy... it is about helping them to grow and develop into productive citizens. To learn to be compassionate, intelligent, successful, stable, and self-sufficient adults someday. Happy is only a bonus when it comes along. It is never to be expected although it is the only thing that gives us strength to keep on going.


I do believe that parenting is no small task and of the utmost importance. I understand and feel my responsibility in this occupation, I have chosen. The responsibility is to the world greater than the children I am raising or me. It is to society at large because these kids will be set out in this world to reap the rewards and suffer the follies that their journeys introduce to them. Have I given them the tools they need to navigate this life? Is that my even my job?



I no longer think so.



The real question is, have I honed their skills at finding solutions? Have I fortified them with confidence to make life choices and enough backbone to take responsibility for their actions? Have I given them an example of loving life and chasing my dreams so that they will feel empowered to thrive in their lives and goals?


Each day is another day of decisions I have to make- like a game of chess; I am pondering each move and its possible repercussions and logistics. I grasp for answers as to whether I am doing any of this right. Will the lessons I try to teach empower or degrade my children?



Then the answer came one day. Your children are not listening to you. Teaching them by telling them a lot of rules and regulations is not working for anyone.



We are here to lead, not to teach.

Live as you would have your children live.



 Do I live and act in a healthy and comforting way? Do I have self-respect and strength? Am I self-reliant or do I lessen my goals and allow myself to neglect my future. Have I given up on my dreams? Have I taught them to fail by not expecting myself to succeed? Should I tell myself to try again or it's okay if your not able to do that- you'll find something else to master?


Parenting is a tricky and delicate balance. It is a confounding adventure many times that leaves you questioning your decisions and praying for guidance. There is so much riding on our efforts.

If only we all took our responsibility so seriously. If only we saw the big picture and kept the correct perspective in mind during our days. How different the world might be if we stopped expecting more of our children than we ever expected of ourselves.


This post is for the Mom's out there. The happy moms, sad moms, good moms, bad moms. Whoever you are and however you feel about yourself. You came to have children- it is your call how this child will turn out. It is your every word and thought that guides this person and teaches them who they are to be. You must make sure that whatever your circumstances and however it is to be- your child is taught their worth in his life. This child must be able to make it in this wide world and if you do not have it in you to give yourself your all how will you ever give your child that chance? The greatest sin that I know in this world is the wasting away of life; mind, body, or soul. Do not take innocence and light and kill it with your lack of love and discipline to your life.


Yes, parenting is hard, challenging, and sometimes seems not very rewarding in the short run. It is the long term and the lifelong investment that pays out. If we are successful in our venture, we all come through with lessons and beautiful memories. We must be willing to stay the entire course and learn as we go along.


I am vested in this position. I am here for the long haul. I consciously brought these children into my life. I longed for and loved each one. I am awake and accountable for this life I am living and while I am a wreck of a person I am always working to better myself. I am learning and growing right alongside these beautiful people, and I am so proud of our handiwork. I feel satisfied enough that I am compelled to continue my work.


Please consider your living example before you begin the parenting quest today. Your life is a commitment to show your children how to live. The example of our life is rivaled by none for teaching. This work is not for the faint of heart. It takes a strong passion for succeeding. Be aware your ability to make happiness will determine your children's as well.



Children are a privilege to raise and a commitment of our entire life and being. Capacity to procreate is not a license to do so, and it is imperative to us all that we see it as the huge decision and responsibility that it is. For every birth of a child there is a new soul at stake. are you ready to dedicate making the best of every single day to such a fragile and precious wonder of this world?

The Flame of Desire

You are on my mind- the one it likes to ponder. You came to me this morning as I lounged- lazy in the bed, still warm and sleep drunk. 

Re-telling, mentally the story of how you held me against your body. I watched with delight each place our skin touched. Letting my thoughts linger in those moments. Electrified by the intensity generated between us.

Your firm grip on my body quickens my pulse- I am transfixed as I feel you pull me closer. 

I am scorched by the intense look in your eyes when you want me.

The power you wield intrigues me. Every sensation of your touch so gentle when I know there is the ability and want to be coarse and abrupt. I sense an untamed passion that could rip me to shreds. Only your eyes spill the secret. That you tamp that wildness for me is overwhelming. It tells me I am pampered, worshiped. 

I watch as your gaze sweeps heavily across my body. I am empowered. I am lit with eagerness as you drink me in. Your eyes are on fire- I bathe in their heat. 

Your hand holding both of mine above my head. Your free hand grazing my every curve and crevice. Your grip increases on my wrists but then relinquishes control. My heads thrown back with lips parted to draw ragged breath. I have no secrets now- there is nothing left untouched. 

You have gathered the kindling let me blow this to flame.

It is my turn to command. My style- so different from yours. I employ mind for seduction. Everything about me becomes soft and teasing. I tantalize as is my strength and I apply it well. I bring breath to the blaze casting sparks up into the air around us. Through the licking flames, watch as I caress and cajole. Through the wildfire will you follow me? 

I turn away- my back to you. Contouring my body to yours- pressing myself against you. With my back arched, I slide my body along yours. Bringing your arms around me, my hands lead yours to all the places my skin begs to be touched. Your breath on my neck sends chills that tingle my flesh, creating a million new sensations. I place my hands over yours imploring for more friction. I urge you to hold me closer. 

Coming together there is complete combustion- the explosion is white hot.  

There is no surprise that you linger in my mind. You are my passion.

You are my fever- the fieriness that swelters without end. There has never been a force strong enough to quelch this thing, and I have no regrets as we continue burning up the nights.

Without Direction.

Just out the door- no idea where it ends,

seeking for nothing but the roads next bend.


Setting out with no expectation,

Completely open to the next location.


Guided only by the hearts next whim,

Fueled by awe and random grins.


An open road across the big wide world,

Adventure waits to be unfurled.


Free to wander and room to roam,

This gypsy soul calls the highway home.


Moving without direction but never lost,

The ceaseless adventure is worth any cost.


Just as the bird has a notion to fly,

She roams without worry- no desire to deny.


Headed out, to where God only knows,

She is a wanderer with only a mind, for the next place to go.

By Traci Burnam 

The Dilemma of Funding Medical Research.

Medical research to cure disease and bring health may well be one of the most important things science can contribute.  We are often at the most vulnerable place when we look to scientists to help us make the best choices for our health- and even our lives.

On the website of  The Office of Research Integrity today I found 7 cases of research fraud. That list only includes those who currently have an imposed administrative action against them. Looking at the places and studies these fraudulent findings are being manifested it is easy to recognize the people these fraudulent studies will affect.

 I was interested to find out what the penalty is for such a breach of confidence and waste of assets. In the case of Anil Potti who claimed to have found a genomic technology to determine the outcome of lung cancer with 90% accuracy in a scientific journal in 2006-2007. The ORI declared Potti's data "altered" and stated the research was not only flawed but falsified to receive further grant funding.  As a penalty, he agreed to a 5-year supervision of his studies. He is still practicing medicine, and after his punishment, he will be free to do un-tethered research once again.
There are also significant monetary rewards to the falsification of information. Falsified findings continue funding. There is big money for the actual publishing of these conclusions in scientific journals. When you weigh the very ineffective policing of these studies versus the monetary potential, we have created a perfect storm for actually rewarding poor ethics.
A prime example of this phenomenon is the case of Dr. Carlo Croce of Ohio State University. There are over 30 allegations of falsification against his work. One particular case of forgery is so obvious it is a teaching example of scientific research misconduct. Despite that, Dr. Croce has never faced any repercussions.
These cases are self-governed leaving them in an awkward position. Actual findings of misconduct often lead to the suspension of federal funding which leaves their facilities the painful choice of money or ethics. Without funding, all studies halt, and we lose any hope of new development.
  In 2009, Daniele Fanelli of the University of Edinburgh carried out a meta-analysis that pooled the results of 21 surveys of researchers asked whether they or their colleagues had fabricated or falsified research.

    Publishing his results in the journal PLoS One, he found that an average of 1.97% of scientists admitted to having "fabricated, falsified or modified data or results at least once – a serious form of misconduct by any standard – and up to 33.7% admitted other questionable research practices. In surveys asking about the behaviour of colleagues, admission rates were 14.12% for falsification, and up to 72% for other questionable research practices."

The question is why don't we give incentive for merit? Value and integrity are owed a nod, and by rewarding truth and a job well done despite its outcome, we are not laying the path to the temptation to falsify. Science is nothing more than a collection of failures that may or may not eventually lead to an answer.  Science must be supported for its effort and integrity if it is to move ahead with any form of real trust in its merits. 

I believe it is time to re-think our motivations and assess our failures. We need to be more efficient at successfully getting what we are after. We start out with the best of intentions but even upon finding our methods are producing the wrong outcomes we seem very hesitant to back up and try something else. I am reminded of a quote by another very famous scientist: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alberteins133991.html

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alberteins133991.html

Thank you, Poppy.

He had been sick for a while. He had for all real purposes been lost to us for quite some time. He had drifted away into a place where we could no longer reach him. I could not bear to see him like that. A fantasy world that I hope was a pleasant and peaceful place. For those of us left here it was devastating to have him here physically but unreachable mentally. In my mind's eye, he will always be a big, healthy, happy person. His voice matched his size, and for the life of me I could never shake the resemblance he had to the fictional "Santa Claus." Big and Jolly!

I have memories of him from as far back as I am capable of remembering. He was always there. As a little girl, he delighted me with all sorts of whimsical adventures. Hop in the van and just see where he ends up! There was the open window, the many people he would encounter and speak to, the silly songs he would sing and the questions that had no real necessity. His chatter was just for fun, and if ever there might happen to be a garage sale wellllll.... we would have to stop by and just see what was there. He never failed to find a treasure for someone. I have that silliness to me too, and I love it. It is one of my favorite traits in me. Thank you, Poppy.

As I got older, I learned what a respected man he was. My Dad thought the world of his father and that carried over into me. Poppy was a family man, and he instilled responsibility and pride in my dad. That is a commendable task for any father to pass on to his son.

He was always good to me. Genuinely happy to see me. Proud of me. That was something very special to me. I hope he saw in me the good things he had every part of helping me to be. I am strong and strong willed, and as I grew away from being that little girl, he had a hard time allowing me to grow up. It 's hard to let the babies fly from the nest. I, being of that strong will, however, flopped myself right out and flew. Can't say that I never clipped a tree or took a nose dive or two but all in all I think Poppy would have to say that he could sit back be proud of the person I have become. He was very much a part of that. Thank you, Poppy.

When I had my first son, he became Poppy's namesake. My tribute to him. My heartfelt expression of the respect and love I carry for him. My son now knows the respect and love I have for my Poppy. He knows why he is named and he has pride in that name. That makes me happy. It makes me feel like life goes on and the world continues to spin.

In death Poppy re-gained who he was. No longer trapped in a body that prohibited who he was. No longer a prisoner to the limitations of his age and this world. Even though this world seems a little too empty and my heart feels a bit too broken- I have to find peace and joy in the return of Poppy's essence. He has victory over becoming a victim of age and being human. Maybe I am silly, but I feel the return of his former vitality in the air around me.

In every cell of my body, there is admiration, respect, and love for you Poppy. You will forever be a part of me. I love you, and I am happy for you. You are free.

Shouting in Silence

 

Silenced viadeviantart

I had the most amazing experience when I went on a retreat with my yoga family last year.
I traveled by myself for the very first time at the age of 42 years old. I was so overwhelmed by the idea of it that I freaked out and tried to cancel the whole trip one day before travel. I was darn disappointed to find out that extreme anxiety was not a good enough reason to incite my travel insurance which would have allowed me to cancel the whole thing without losing all my money.
Unable to waste that much money I dutifully decided I would just have to bite the bullet and make my way to Costa Rica.

They said it would be life changing. I would make life long friends and learn so much about myself.

It was more than I was even told. The changes in my life have been so transformative that you would not even recognize that other girl- the pre-Costa Rica me. What a year it has been since that experience.

Shouting to be told in Silence was the prompt and this is what flowed from that girl I used to be.

She whispers, her voice meek and timid.
The words so strong find no breath, She has wisdom and compassion to share.
Her throat constricts, her breath ragged and labored- her heart pounds.

Her mind is trapped within a cage of inarticulation.
Built over time by fear of misunderstandings, her truth has been suspended.
Noose around neck, she is always on trial. Judged, misconstrued- guilty.

Her reality constantly turned on it's head as if thrown into a whirlwind.
She searches for tools to escape watching time whisk by. Waiting and watching, in search of some moment to slip by unnoticed.
Deafening quiet. She has been hiding and voiceless for far too long.
She does not recognize the way to freedom.

She is waiting and hoping with prayers of being freed by sudden perception. See me.
Begging to be recognized, to be acknowledged- redeemed in a revelation.

The real her- her words, emotions and her soul caught in a web of tangled inaccuracy's. She has been shouting for years but her story is always told in silence.

I took a a chance and read this poem to our yoga class. With courage I put myself out there with a New York Times best seller in the crowd. She immediately told me it was good- worthy of editing. I could be a writer? 

 I had been silenced by everyone in my life. I walked on eggshells because I was always wrong. I was silenced by judgements and expectations that I could never fulfill. I had shrunken from life barely living, rarely leaving my house. Even when there was no one in the real world wearing me out and causing me to have anxiety, I was haunted by the critical voice that constantly plays commentator in my head. That virtual Simon Cowell who has been there my entire life as far as I remember and pulls no punches. It goes over my every interaction with a fine toothed comb. Just digging for some possible misstep to play repeatedly at night. Always stealing my sleep as well as my daytime peace.

I returned realizing they were right, those beautiful yogi's. I met amazing people and made beautiful friendships. I found supportive people who give me strength and resilience through their kind words and continued reassurances.

I am now five months past that Costa Rica trip. My world has opened up and become an incredibly exciting place. I joined the elephant journal apprenticeship where I am continuing to develope my writers voice. I am so proud to have survived the editor's to have eight articles published. The old me could not have withstood the editors notes no matter how gentle. I am now in my second yoga teacher training and just finished the Rewind program to become certified to work with breast cancer patients/survivors. I could never have put myself in front of a full classroom and spoken with calm and sureness to instruct yoga.

The lesson for me has been that support is everything for a person. Finding relationships that feed your soul and allow you to share real community do change your existence. Your tribe does create your vibe.

The beauty is that I now go out into the world and seek to be supportive so that I may give back the gift I have been given. I have become the gift that keeps on giving.