So, here I am in the middle of a 40 day, 31-minute meditation. I have tormented myself with the fear of messing this up. The rules are that you must complete your meditation each day. If you forget for any reason or neglect to do it for whatever purpose you must start over completely from day one. I find that terrifying- like the thing of nightmares. I was facing some pretty serious resistance to this assignment. It took some time for me to negotiate it with myself but I have contractually signed on to do this thing, and I am committed to it despite my absolute distaste for being forced into such things. I am a fighter- I rebel against authoritative pressures. I abhor being told what I have to do and then being given unnecessarily hard rules. This was sure to be a test of my integrity and a real battle against my inner dialogue.
I partnered up with a friend to help us stay accountable and to stay on track. We text each other to let the other know when we have finished for the day. My partner has started over a couple of times now. She is a trooper and just declares she must need more time. I cannot lie, I freak out at the mere thought of messing this up.
I am the queen of forgetfulness. There are more times I have screwed up my schedule than ever stuck to it. I am so paranoid about missing a day that I have become obsessed with getting it done. It is to the point that everything else may be pushed to the wayside just so I get this meditation done. I am, so far, still on my first try and only 18 more days to go. This is no way makes me feel better. As a matter of fact, each day is just a day closer to the end, and that means makes a foul up at this point- tragic.
I do not think that meditating is supposed to amp up your anxiety, yet here I am. Leave it to me to figure out a way to make this a stressful event.
My personalized meditations consist of three that combine for my required 31 minutes. My first and most painfully awkward is for self-love and self-understanding. It is a three part exercise that begins with 11 minutes of quiet breathing. I hold a pose with one hand over my head then 2 more 3-minute postures that continue to drain the blood from my arms. This leaves me feeling achy and tingly for several minutes.
So far I have experienced days of complete restlessness where my mind refuses to cooperate. I spent the entire time fighting against the want to go and do something else. These type days I feel like I am wasting my time. I seem to believe that I have more important things to get done. I am quite aware that self-love is being worked on when these days arise. I am blown away by the overwhelmingly obvious message that I am putting cleaning my house or some other task before my self-care. Other times I find myself wishing I had that 31 minutes to add to my workout. This thought presents me with my addiction to my workout. I worry about the amount of time I will have to spend on it. It has come to my attention that working out takes top priority slot in my day.
Next is my focus and clarity meditation. This one is only 3 minutes and goes by very fast. At first, I disliked the hand position for this one and found myself having a difficult time keeping my posture correct. The pose has since come to remind me a bit of an elephant trunk which I find a bit comical, and it fits since it is the Ganesha meditation. I focus on this elephant trunk image and remind myself this is to be a remover of obstacles in my life. ( The irony of my own thoughts being my obstacles is not lost on me.)
I purposely make the prosperity meditation my last. It is much easier to sit with myself during this one. I have movement and mantra to keep my mind busy. This one I easily get lost in, and it goes by very quickly.
Finding the quiet meditations more difficult is expected and yet unsettling. Until I started to meditate, I did not realize what a challenge it is to sit quietly with my mind. My first lesson has realized my restlessness. Comparing the moving meditation and the still has been very eye-opening.
This unrest is the starting point of my anxiety. I am finding that time is the catalyst to much of my angst in life. These two elements, time and unrest, come together into a storm in the form of "need to dos." I have realized through stillness that I am constantly on a self-made timeline- a perpetual race to get to the next task. I have set myself up with a never ending list of chores and a tight, no-nonsense schedule in which they must get accomplished.
No wonder I have found life exhausting and so often feel overwhelmed.
I have begun asking myself "So what misfortune befalls us if the laundry doesn't get done right now?" "Who dies if I do not unload those dishes until I come in to make dinner?" "Can I relax even if I see a bit of dog hair on my floor after I already vacuumed this morning?" Many times the answer is a resounding "No, " and I find myself back in the race. I seem to be fighting to keep the balance between feeling like a complete slob and being a task master to myself- but I am working on it.
