An Inner World of Unwritten Rules

When a pro-life person uses their own traits and emotions, to assert what an unborn baby or God wants, we have their unwritten rules of rightness exalting woman's actual decisions. They are using a defense mechanism, projection, to oppress a sentient human being's choice. The understanding of the term sentient and the separation of church and state or religious freedom are pivotal to this debate and so many trying to have the conversation are not well-versed in either the words or their meanings.

An unborn child cannot decide anything for itself or take care of itself, it requires the indentured efforts of another FREE human being's body to survive, and that requirement cannot pass to any other person. We have a situation that conflicts our freedom for all ideal, and despite our ability to reason, we cannot seem to find a place to agree to disagree. So much so, that some feel compelled to implement laws to enforce their will. The word oppression is to control someone else, to enforce your will onto another, not considering their feelings. If your knee-jerk argument is for the unborn child's rights, we must be clear that a person must have an opinion to be oppressed by an opposing one. The law of our land must first protect freedom as it is the basis of our nation and the only moral commitment we all agreed to share. That freedom is permitted to only to law-abiding and sound-of-mind and extends to choices of personal religions and beliefs. 

I am a thinking person, and as such, I admit that I often allow posts on Facebook to bother me far too much and I can not stop thinking about a post I saw yesterday about abortion. Questions haunt me about this person and the many others she must represent out there. 

This post is by a young girl who believes she would have raised the baby of her rapist. She goes on to say that she feels justified to make others do the same, claiming that if they think they could not raise the child, they should simply put it up for adoption. 

I keep asking myself questions. Did she choose this for herself, or was she coerced to believe it was her duty? Perhaps a noble sacrifice? Does she understand that her perspective and circumstances are not universal? Psychology would say that her decision, whether her own or coerced, obviously brings her some satisfaction. She is proud to assert her intention and opinion though she did not experience the consequences of that choice. Is her conviction even valid as little more than a fantasized-reality? After all, experiences often turn out to be a far cry from the idea we carry in our mind. I wonder if it is a religious thing-- and if so does she understand that a person outside of her belief system would not have that self-abdicating ego boost to help bolster their happiness with that same determination? And isn't there an undermining to the virtue when she seeks to force that imagined altruism onto others?

The science of making decisions could explain much about her assertation. We, as humans, all stack facts to support the choices we make. We do it to justify ourselves, which helps us feel effective in our lives. Knowing that about myself, however, has helped me to see it and sometimes laugh at my reaching. I think if we all had that understanding, we might come to see ourselves more clearly. 

It's not that I want her to change her decision or feel ignorant. Rather, I want her to free herself. To be confident, she chose from her heart and not ideas that society may have staunchly implanted. To see clearly the things she might use to convince herself to do something, not in her best interest and not matching her values in assuring her that liberty, she automatically begins to allow others more freedom too.

I am interested to understand her judgment of women, unable to live up to her standard, as she calls them murderers. It seems she is holding others to a set of rules and standards and we often feel merited to enforce our ideals onto others when we feel subjugated-- a sort of "if I can do it then so can you." This is especially true when humans think they are upholding a greater good or higher moral standard, though it is also true when we feel powerless. Rather than try to elevate the standard of deliverance, we often try to constrain others.

These are simple errors in thinking that we all make. They are natural and normal but not always healthy. Where do they come from? Why are we prone to missing the trees in the forest? 


From the moment we breathe our first breath, we begin the lessons of rightness. We are told what to believe, how to think, and we learn quickly the punishments for varying from these creeds. Those guidelines become the laws of our existence. They carve the path that we walk and are the navigators of our conscience. These orders even dictate our self-worth within our family. Evaluations of will and ability to follow the rules win us the labeling of good kids and bad kids. We, people, found a simple way to decide who is acceptable and who is not, and though it is sometimes hurtful and unfair, it is accepted.

While the laws of our land may be universal, those familial and religious personal axioms are as diverse as our population. In our quest to live up to the expectations, some decide they are failures and others excel so much that they become deeply-seated in them. These people often seek to enforce. Their beliefs are like the rulings of a court, and they find pleasure in enforcing them on everyone around them. How often do we fix labels determining people good or bad, all based on some obscure law our parent taught us was nice or acceptable? These are cultural thoughts, passed from generation to generation but written nowhere. They exist only in our heads. Imagine trying to play a game where different rules dictate everyone's actions, and no one knows why anyone is doing anything. The problem is compounded when our perception of one another is based on how well we follow those unknown rules. 

In this confusion, even when we want to fix the problems of our worl,d we can end up causing more issues. We try to apply our understandings, to decipher other's behaviors, and we completely misconstrue others intentions. Further, we rarely think to consider each individual's experiences. It's not a perfect science, but if we can catch ourselves getting caught up in our programmed thinking, we can consider it. Soon we find ourselves listening for the ideas that vary from the ones already seeded in our minds and comparing them to our own. This opens us up to hearing with our hearts and helps us to understand one another better. It also presents opportunities to learn and grow. We may find a treasure in another point of view or still end up dismissing their opinion, but we logically processed it and base our judgments on realness rather than jumping to conclusions. 


It is difficult to stand down from your platform of rightness. Trust me, I know. When you begin to notice it, you will look around and see that we are all entrenched in our own understandings. It is much easier to allow our illusions of superiority to reign supreme and overthrow our compassion and even scarier, our logic. Atrocities happen when we lose our humanity, and historically, we see that is most prevalent when we believe we are doing whats 'right.' A great deal of self-reflection, respect for others, and selflessness are required to allow our fellow woman to live by her conviction.  

I write this in hopes of softening judgments and opening conversations. Why not offer a door to understanding ourselves so that we may see a way to peace with others? Wouldn't it be a world-changer to soften peoples prejudices and bridge people and belief systems so that we might live together- and not just tolerate, but protect each other's rights and differences? 

I would love to speak to this girl so I might understand her better. I believe there is much to revere in her. It appears that she is of good conscience and wants to be a kind human. There is a blind spot in her assumption and I can truly believe that she knows not what she does to others with her beliefs. The concept that people who do not believe as she does-- also do not act as she does, nor hold in esteem all the same virtues that she does, probably never crossed her mind. Yet, these are the things that make carrying a rapists child achievable for her. While her family and friends might find her actions enviable and saintly, the people around another girl could belittle her for that same decision and think her ignorant. It is all in the way we see the world.

We must, for the sake of individuality, humanity, and freedom, use our unbiased logic to understand our fellow woman and out of our own humility come the wisdom to grant her the right to have an abortion. 

She Should Have: A Letter to The Good Ole Boys.

 Hey men. Yeah, you. Especially you, badass, southern, white men... care to test yourself on whether you are fairly evaluating the Kavanaugh debacle? I am bowled over at how many men in my life cannot understand this issue.

Let's create a simulation of what a girl goes through that you can actually feel so that you can better understand the subtle emotions behind such an act.

You have gone out to dinner with a fellow businessman, and the two of you are having burgers and beers and then heading over to his place to watch a game with other fellow workers. You arrive at his house a little early so while waiting for the other fellas you begin talking about his awesome new pistol with tons of bells and whistles. You like guns and would love to feast your eyes on this masterpiece so when he asks if you want to see it, you follow him eagerly.

He winds you through his strange house and back into a room where there is a king size bed, but you barely notice it. He closes the door, and you find it odd but assume he did it out of habit or didn't want anyone to know where he hides his gun. He is a respected man of the community and a "ladies man." You think he is a healthy, decent human being, so you continue along with only the slightest reservation.

Sure enough, he opens the nightstand drawer and pulls out the pistol...You are excited to get a better look but instead of handing it to you, he points it in your face and demands you perform oral sex on him.

Now let's assume this guy is the size of The Rock and you are, well-- you. To be clear, Dwayne Johnson is 6'4 and weighs 260lbs. of pure muscle. He was a football player, a WWE wrestler, and today he has a gun pointed at your head. Again, you are just you. You refuse his demand, and he laughs, pistol whips you, and forcibly puts his member into your mouth.
You are in shock, beat senseless, and already sexually assaulted. Even if it ends right here, you had an unwelcome penis in your mouth.

This is the world of forced submission.

Unimpressed with your oral skill, this huge, angry, bully belittles you for begging him to stop like a whining girl. Then he threatens to take pictures of his member in your mouth and post it to a gay dating site unless you remove your clothes.

He rapes you numerous times.

You are battered, threatened with public humiliation, shocked, traumatized and in desperate fear for your life.

You are relieved but also mortified when the first men arrive to watch the game. He leaves you to answer the door, and you struggle to put your clothes back on, thankful for the end of your torture. In a fog of upset and pain, you try to get yourself together before the other men see you in this compromised, humiliating position.

When you finally emerge, you try not to walk funny. You have some facial wounds that the other guys are curious about, and you listen, furious when your abuser laughingly explains them away as a bar fight you were both in earlier.  He even elaborates, spinning a tale of, you should see the other guy.

Do you tell the other men what happened? Do you run to the police? Maybe. But he will post the picture of his penis in your mouth and say you are lying to cover up your gay activity. He and all his friends will scoff at the ridiculousness of your claim. It is also going to mean you explain exactly what he did to you numerous times and to more and more people. Reliving every awful moment and furthering your torment by publically announcing every embarrassing detail. Everyone from that moment on will know the degradation you suffered.

You must consider that you will never be looked upon the same again and that telling will never give you back your dignity, but it just might take away more of it. You are sickened when you realize women too will know you were victimized. How will they perceive you? Will you ever feel manly again?

In this scenario, your man card is laying in ruin just like a woman's chastity after such an incidence. 

Women are often thought of as loose, whores, fast, or sluts for having sex, and likewise, you will be shamed rather than supported. Namely, you will be called gay, fag, "catcher" and the size of your anal entrance will be discussed, called into question, laughed about and commented on--publically, often, and without compassion or even a nod to the fact that you were an unwilling participant.

People, even your family, will speculate and ask why you went to his house. Why did you go into his bedroom? They will conclude that you wanted it, asked for it even. You had dinner, drinks and then willingly went into his bedroom, surely you must have known this would happen to you.

Now, think about it. With real implications attached, would you tell?

        Further, imagine you do tell and you are called a liar. You're told it didn't happen or you deserved it.

For more understanding go watch the movies: Deliverance (Burt Reynolds), and The Accused (Jodi Foster).  

Sexual Assault in the United States

• One in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives (a)
• In the U.S., one in three women and one in six men experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime (o)
• 51.1% of female victims of rape reported being raped by an intimate partner and 40.8% by an acquaintance (a)
• 52.4% of male victims report being raped by an acquaintance and 15.1% by a stranger (a)
• Almost half (49.5%) of multiracial women and over 45% of American Indian/Alaska Native women were subjected to some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime (o)
• 91% of victims of rape and sexual assault are female, and nine percent are male (m)
• In eight out of 10 cases of rape, the victim knew the perpetrator (j)
• Eight percent of rapes occur while the victim is at work (c)

Fake News, Freedom, and the Ability to do Great Injustice

   

There is a name for fake news that is far more telling of its sinister capabilities. Information, especially of a biased or misleading nature, used to promote or publicize a particular political cause or point of view is propaganda-- a foreign word to American's. We are distanced from such things.

      We learned about it in high school. Therefore we could never fall victim to it, right? It is the tactics of corrupt and evil nations. We default to our idea of Nazi's rather than engaging our critical thinking.
    American schools teach the word attached to specific agendas. Then they explain that we are free which lulls us into the belief that we are above this sort of mass manipulation by corrupt leaders. But does that notion hold true under examination?

When Adolf Hitler decided a superior race, what made him believe he was right? Intelligence? A generosity of spirit? Conscious? Fairness? No.

 He was arrogant of race, deluded about victimhood, ignorant of his descent into evil and corrupted within his beliefs, both personal and religious. So much so, that he could carry out atrocities without blinking an eye. He acted on his anger and fear to a degree where he could de-humanize people. An entire race of people. Then he went further to add anyone who sought to help those people.

That one derived ability was built from years of biased information and refusal to acknowledge his own shortcomings. And then those casual attributes created the monster. 

The terrible truth is that his sickness is contagious. We know it spread to an entire country and eventually bore the fruits of his evil on such a scale that all humanity was affected. Is America now falling into the same trap?

Someone told us that people coming into this country was a drain on our wealth and wellbeing. They pointed to instantaneous welfare and job loss. When that wasn't enough they added crime, eeking out stories of illegal immigrants who break our laws, making us believe we are victims of these horrible people on a large scale. American's, out of perceived unfairness and helplessness, misdirect their anger in response.

 Instead of using our intelligent and civilized means of fixing broken laws and righting system failures we built prisons to detain the people and created our own moral rules these people broke to allow apathy to human suffering. People I know to have good hearts and kindness were suddenly tyrannical in their want to punish those people as if they committed some heinous injustice. Hung in the town square without trial or conviction. When good people see themselves as morally superior, they become able to justify grave misdeeds of humanity. (https://www.ethicalsystems.org/content/lucifer-effect)

     There is no doubt that separating parents from children is traumatic and puts children at risk. None of us are so ignorant we believe this is harmless and by justifying our actions, we allow the stripping of their humanness. We have placed a lesser value on their life than ours in overt superiority and failed to see the commonalities between us. We criticized their decision without knowing the aspects of consideration. Whether directly or by inaction, we are all guilty of allowing this now.

American's have proclaimed ourselves the victims of these people rather than see that we are all the suckers of a defective system of government that is being inadequately run, choosing to villainize the easier target.

When American's talk about freedom, they often puff their chests and turn sentimental eyes toward our military. In that misconstrued idea, we lost track of what freedom means.

American freedom is not a commodity to be stolen by thieves in the night and it has not ever been fought for by a man in uniform on foreign land. To fight for American freedom is to demand fairness and dignity to all our citizens, to be governed by a body of people elected by, and put in place, to represent the will of the public.


War, unless declared on or by our own government to fight within our borders or to oppose a regime trying to enter our country and take over, has never been for American freedom. Let that sink in.

     Freedom: 1. the power or right to act, speak or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. 2. absence of subjection to foreign domination or despotic government. 3. the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.

I'll wager that every American freedom ever lost was taken by those governing us, or by our fellow people. 

     Whether by our asking, or our leader's telling, we have allowed the erosion of our freedoms. Consider the misuse of our tax dollars, unwarranted searches, being demonized for taking a knee, and getting mowed down by police on our streets at ever increasing rates, we are sinking into oppression that should be alarming to us all. But many of us are failing to see or acknowledge it. Some of us are even hailing its demise. Why?

  Cognitive Dissonance. In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. This discomfort is triggered by a situation in which a belief of a person clashes with new evidence perceived by that person. When confronted with facts that contradict personal beliefs, ideals, and values, people will find a way to resolve the contradiction in order to reduce their discomfort. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance)

Gradually our declining awareness weakens us as a country and ensures the future degradation of even more of our liberty.

Already we sit by lax while our citizens have their passports revoked (https://www.snopes.com/news/2018/08/30/revoking-passports-us-citizens/) and immigrants and citizens who have broken no laws get thrown into jails and encampments. (https://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/14/us/measures-to-capture-illegal-aliens-nab-citizens.html) We turn a blind eye because we believe our system works-- and besides, the people of America are at odds, battling amongst ourselves. A ridiculous waste of time that takes the heat off the ones with the power to change anything. Foolishly, we argue and belittle each other as if any of us can call a shot.

We are playing in a game that divided we are sure to lose, and yet we cannot, or will not take the time to come to an agreement for the betterment of us all.

I hurt for all the many people who feel unheard and uncared for as the balance skews. The more attention these folks try to bring to their suffering and inequality, the more disdain and ridicule they get in our political divide. Thought of like delicate snowflakes, anyone seeking equality, protection, fairness, freedom, and justice are deemed weak and needy while the other side looks more and more like empathy lacking, bullies. Can we not find a place of strength that also allows humanity?


  Much like the Homeowner's Associations that became so popular for a while, stipulations, rules, restrictions, and conformity seem admirable and safe until we begin to find the problems and constraints that go along with them. It starts with the marginalized but before we know it, the discomfort is looking us dead square in the eyes, and we realize, too late, the mistake we made.

I challenge you to acknowledge your transcendence? What, in your mind, makes you right above all others? In a self-assessment, find your justifications. Within this hunt, we can begin to battle back against the nature of our thinking faults-- and we all have them. 

      Are you on a moral high-horse of empathy and altruism? Are you a proponent of the "I did it and so can you," group?  Maybe your superiority springs from a pious place, or perhaps you cannot bear to release your rose-colored, patriotism long enough to think critically about our nation.
    If we want an America that we can be proud of, we have to take a critical thinking standpoint. Logically, we are all correct as much as we are all entirely wrong. Only when the means of our solutions are humane and determined by the specifics of the individual case can we tout freedom. For that to happen, we all have to back off our sureness of possessing the one true right and learn to compromise. Extremism in any direction creates an imbalance; Inequality, unfairness, and injustice are not the standard we hold for America, are they?

I Refuse to get a Mammogram

Sitting in my doctor's office, I await my turn to answer awkward questions and justify myself against having numerous screenings. Though I am in shape and in good health, I must navigate this obstacle course every 4 months for access to my regular medications. I have taken the same dose of Synthroid for 15 years for low thyroid and Vyvanse for 5 years to treat my adult ADHD. Still, they tell me these visits are necessary to continue my prescriptions. For me, this is a costly inconvenience not only to me but also my health insurance company. It also feels like an overseeing of my health, by the government that is both unwarranted and unwanted.

I am choosy with my doctors because I have specific ideas about my healthcare. I also have strong opinions about the medical communities conventional methods of staying healthy. I want someone who invites me to take care of my body naturally and who does not throw a pill at every complaint. She must support my research and work with me to educate myself to best decide my care. I would never go to a provider who is threatened by my want to be educated enough to form my own thoughts and opinions. My doctor listens to my concerns and respectfully takes the time to consider the facts I present while helping me to fill in any information I may need.

 Like most, I am troubled by the number of young people in my life who I have seen get cancer and then subsequently pass because of it. Speaking to my friends who work in the medical industry, I became even more disheartened.  Over and over I heard them say that if they were ever diagnosed, they would seek alternative care- rather than go with conventional cancer treatments.  With that in mind, I began to study. The statistics are alarming, and this is information that everyone should understand in these times.

The first shock that I uncovered was the folly of our promotion of well-care screenings that have become a standard of care in America. We are made to believe these screenings are our best defense against getting sick. I have good health insurance and am health conscious, so it seems a no-brainer that I would run out and get mine- but I don't, and there is a reason.

I quickly found that breast and prostate cancers are the most over-diagnosed and over-treated cancers in America.  

They estimate that screen-detected breast tumors have an overdiagnosis rate of 14.7% to 38.6% (excluding ductal carcinoma in situ). This is the latest of several studies using various methods and data sets to show that the phenomenon of overdiagnosis exists in breast cancer. Estimates of this overdiagnosis rate vary but range up to 54% of screen-detected localized tumors, with most estimates between 15% and 25% (2). http://annals.org/aim/article-abstract/2597574/accepting-existence-breast-cancer-overdiagnosis.

Anyone who has ever had a health scare knows the stress that the fear produces. Stress alone is a danger to our health and overdiagnosis of cancer at best, means unnecessary worry. Unfortunately, it only gets worse from there. Next comes unneeded, expensive and invasive testing. And sadly, many will go on to have unnecessary cancer treatments that are likely more dangerous than their original condition.

 Mammographically detected breast cancers are much more likely to have low-risk biology than symptomatic tumors found between screenings (interval cancers) or that present as clinical masses.  Importantly, ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) lesions, or what have been called stage I cancers, in and of themselves are not life-threatening. [Yet] situ lesions have been treated in a manner similar to that of invasive cancer, but there is little evidence to support that this practice has improved mortality. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24451829

This means the "cancers" that mammography most often detects are only non-cancerous lesions that may go away on their own and even if they stay, may never go on to become cancerous. It also means that women are being given potentially fatal treatments for conditions that are not a mortal threat.

 One in three women with breast cancer detected by a mammogram is treated unnecessarily, because screening tests found tumors that are so slow-growing that they're mostly harmless, according to a Danish study published Monday in Annals of Internal Medicine, which has renewed debate over the value of early detection. https://www.cnn.com/2017/01/10/health/breast-cancer-unnecessary-treatment-study-partner/index.html

If your doctor, like mine, began to advise you to have mammograms at the age of 40 you have a 50-60% chance of getting a false positive by the time you are 50 years old.

The chance of a false positive result is higher among younger women and women with dense breasts [28]. (Most women younger than 50 have dense breasts, so there's overlap among these groups.) https://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/AccuracyofMammograms.html

Overdiagnosis becomes even more problematic when it requires more mammograms which means further exposure to radiation which then raises your chances of developing all forms of cancer.

The report, "Breast Cancer and the Environment: A Life Course Approach," concluded that about 2,800 breast-cancer cases a year among U.S. women stem from medical radiation.

So what are the repercussions of the treatments these patients receive? Statistics show that cancer treatments are often deadly. A large percentage of patients will not survive the first 30 days after their first chemotherapy treatment.
Around 8 percent of cancer patients are dying within 15 days of starting treatment, a startling new study has discovered. https://www.wddty.com/magazine/2017/january/chemos-early-victims.html

For these women who have slow-growing cancers or benign lesions, the risk does not justify the high stakes of the cancer treatment. Many do not understand that surviving 5 years after cancer treatments is considered a success in the survival statistics they are provided. The dangers of future consequences are dismissed, and most patients are not told about the damage that will have been done to their body during those treatments, should they survive.

 There's insufficient evidence that earlier screening does more good than harm. Research showed that for some women with Stages 1 and 2 breast cancer, the absolute survival benefit from preventive double mastectomies is less than 1% after 20 years and no matter how a woman is treated for DCIS, the mortality risk is 3%--similar to the average for the general population. And some women with early-stage breast cancer don't benefit from chemo and can skip it. http://time.com/4057310/breast-cancer-overtreatment/


The truth is, our doctors have become such advocates of screening and early detection that they are ignoring the problems as they are discovered with those screenings. Perhaps our want to believe there are benefits of early detection is so strong that it prompts us to go on with the useless tests even when science knows they are not of value.

It is concluded that we have reached the point of negligible benefit from mammography screening for breast cancer in women at average risk, and that we should concentrate on early diagnosis of breast cancer and the application of modern therapy according to clearly defined sub-types of breast cancer. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13697137.2017.1392503

Naturally, people are frightened of being sick. It seems because of that anxiety we often make decisions to act aggressively even when the effect may be worse than the condition itself. We assume that any cancer leads to death, and that thought overshadows the fact that screenings or early diagnosis might be creating some of the problems.
Harm is occurring because of misinformation and misunderstanding. We have even seen such panic over a cancerous occurrence or possible recurrence that women have decided to seek treatment with no diagnoses at all. If people were better informed about the risks of the remedy perhaps over-treatment and the subsequent deadly side-effects would decrease.

Rather than push tests that stir up fear and panic even though they have little value, let us help people understand their bodies. I believe preventative care should teach how diet and lifestyle are our best ways to promote good health. Instead of testing people lets test the products that are poisoning us and causing cancer.
To save lives, we have to inform people and give them the tools they need to make decisions that help rather than harm them.

For my research, I used these links:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4322920/

http://annals.org/aim/article-abstract/2596394/breast-cancer-screening-denmark-cohort-study-tumor-size-overdiagnosis

https://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/AccuracyofMammograms.html

https://www.ucsf.edu/news/2011/10/10778/high-rate-false-positives-annual-mammogram

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24451829

http://annals.org/aim/article-abstract/2597574/accepting-existence-breast-cancer-overdiagnosis

https://www.cnn.com/2017/01/10/health/breast-cancer-unnecessary-treatment-study-partner/index.html

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/1853165

http://time.com/4057310/breast-cancer-overtreatment/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4322920/

https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-319-64310-6_13

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0140673606698346

https://academic.oup.com/jnci/article-abstract/69/2/349/880428

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0002961017315635

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13697137.2017.1392503

Promise of Authenticity- Delivered Indoctrination

The freedom still rushes over me sometimes. I am alone at the helm again. Some things that I learned within the cult ring true for me- it was not all bad and hurtful. I was taught to notice negative views and thoughts that my brain tries to force upon me. I use this now to mindfully come to my opinions, feelings, and logic. I realize now that these are genuinely my decisions- I no longer spend time worrying about shame or guilt being used to influence me to live up to the cult's expectations.
I realize the truth, I am on my path when living according to my beliefs and ideas.
We were kept off-balance through mind games. Subtle shifts in reasoning go by mostly unnoticed but soon become the glue that holds you. Within our cult, we were taught that our inner voice is the enemy of our success. It is seen as a negative thing; a problematic nuisance that prevents us from reaching our highest potential. Such a warped version of the idea can, without careful scrutiny, be accepted as truth. We do have instances where we hold ourselves back out of insecurity. The perversion became insidious when they began to use uncertainty interchangeably with instinct.
As they expected red flags to start flying, we were told not to speak to one another about our doubts. Threatened with the idea that would be in "dissent," they used our fear of guilt and shame to keep us from "gossiping" to one another. They halted our critical thinking and alienated us to deal with our anxieties with no feedback.  They groomed us by teaching us that fighting our inner demons means quieting anything that feels like fear or misgivings. This set us up with shame for removing ourselves from situations that are uncomfortable. Even when we sensed things might be outside our truth, and sometimes things seemed entirely wrong- we wanted to live up to her expectations. She did expect us to ignore our personal boundaries to follow her rules. To do anything other than her bidding invites shame, unacceptability and her loss of belief in you. The cult believes these feelings to be weaknesses we must work through, and you must rise to the challenge to win her affection.  
The most disturbing part is the loss of my intelligent and loving friends. I am watching them give up their individuality as they substitute their passions, interests, and goals in trade for the pointless rituals being pushed on them as they become convinced of yoga's all-importance. It is their beautiful human qualities of loyalty and genuine love that blinds them to her. I will not be angry or hurt as they ostracize me for speaking out for them. They are doing precisely what they feel is ethical and moral, standing by the leader they think is saving their souls and bringing them a better quality of life. I once believed that too.
I want to understand how this cult thing works to alter your very reality so completely. I am both fascinated and sickened by the strategic genius that makes the indoctrination a reliable equation. The unwitting refusal to see or believe what is painfully clear to all the outside world is a shocking phenomenon. There exists a method of magical equation that conforms free-thinkers. It convinces them that adopting a cults doctrine is freedom. Twisting our very best qualities into our ruin. I can tell you-you cannot see it at all until you do. Once it comes into focus, you cannot then unsee it.
The moment I popped out of the group-think I observed, as if an entirely new person, the absurdity of everything that had been going on around me. I saw through my own eyes again, and the things I had believed benign were suddenly bizarre, strange and even childish. The sinister part is that I had traded my thinking mind for this illogical entertainment and lost myself in the process. They were changing our reality, and we never noticed that they had taken the driver's seat. Only from the outside can I acknowledge that I had begun setting up my life in their tiny jail cell. Navigating the maze of controlling rules and regulations that had never been in my best interest had become my most significant life goal. That constant rhetoric and alienation had stolen my preferences, changed my priorities and convinced me to further their agenda. I let it take my time and attention from all the things I genuinely consider valuable.
 I gave up my healthy routine for sleep stealing hours of meditation. I no longer took time to write. I was too busy studying yogic beliefs and perfecting asana to spend time with family and non-yoga friends. I had become unwittingly compelled to give up my entire life to the yoga world I was sucked into. After a while, I mentally beat myself up if I didn't practice every day. I stopped doing any of my other favorite types of workout because I believed my peace and understanding hinged on all the hours of yoga. Afterall, that is what I was taught.

It shocks me how hard it was to release myself from her ideas. They were so skillfully implanted and gracefully reinforced. Through the logical process of deduction, anyone can see that the entire premise of her teachings is paradoxical. Told that we would free our minds from those implanted in our upbringing, promised a way to our authenticity; we were actually being reprogrammed with their doctrine. Not cleansed and freed but switched to a belief system even further from our own. The irony is unbelievable.

Love Illusions.

Soul searching, she came- with a consuming hunger,

She arrived so naive, and with eyes filled with wonder,

She walked on clouds- when days were clear,

Allowing the fading of all of her fears,

When seeds of trust- began to bloom,

The buds were deceptions- hiding thorns of doom,

Betrayed she now bears- a skeptics heart,

Jaded from the pain- of when it all falls apart,

Still, the field's been planted, and the crop is in,

Though it wasn't the yield- that she'd hoped for back then,

Shes worked, and shes tended with love- in this dirt,

Should she just walk away, is there just too much hurt?

She used to think love could deliver your dreams,

But experience has taught her- she no longer believes,

No longer blind by bullshit- I won't be told who I am,
Fed up with all the judgement, proving to myself- that I can,

It's true, he's not the person, I thought that he would be,

But then, when it comes to perfect- I realized that neither is that- me,

My path is hard to follow, if I'm not lost then I'm not me-
It doesn't really matter because- I am delivered, I'm whole,
and I'm free.

Donald's Hair- A poem by Traci Burnam

Would you look at that thing on top of his head?
It's not really blonde or even quite red,

Reactive and wild it billows and blows,
Like the nuclear bomb threat, he's beginning to pose,

So messy and reckless he peacocks- no shame,
His hair, like a torch that turned wildfire- untamed.

I have to wonder if he planned it that way,
When he goes to the barber, just what does he say?

"Make it distinct! Like a big neon sign.
It should be striking, noteworthy, divine!"

Still, I just can't fathom- how that style came to be.
I can honestly tell you that it befuddles me.

There is one thing about Donald's hair to be said,
It's like a temperament gage set atop of his head.

Whatever that hair is doing today,
Blasts from his mouth, causing all sorts of dismay.

Oh, Donald, I beg you-- reconsider that style,
It seems your perception is based on denial,

Look in the mirror, I know it takes strength-
Your suit is a'muss and your style...well, it stinks,

Your "do" is a testament to your lack of self-care,
And those emotional outbursts prove you're not self-aware.

Dear Donald, I ask you to rethink that mane,
Go back to the barber -and please... come back sane.

Gift of Light

This story begins on a hilltop blanketed with snow. There is the smell of pine and the sound of wind rustling through branches. The air is cold biting your cheeks and nose with its sharpness. The moon is full and so bright it is almost like daylight. Snowflakes drift on the breeze and shimmer in the beams of the moon.


In the distance, there is a cabin with a warm golden glow emanating from its paned glass.  Christmas lights twinkle and the dark silhouette of wreaths can be seen at each window. The chimney is alive with smoke that billows and then disappears into the night.


There is a crunch of the snow beneath your feet as you make your way to the little cabin. Deep footprints mark where you have been. Reaching the steps to the porch you are greeted with a welcoming feeling of home.


The cabin is cozy, so you leave your coat and boots at the hooks in the entry. There is a comfy chair with a soft throw and your favorite book waiting for you near the roaring fireplace. You settle in with a warm drink.


Through the window, you can see the snowflakes still drift by...



As you revel in the comforts of your surroundings, your heart is filled with good will and joy. You begin to think of your loved ones, and as each face drifts through your mind, you find one perfect word for the blessing you would bestow. Peace, love, comfort, understanding, patience, gentleness, true love, forgiveness... As each word passes through your mind, it is sent out as a gift as a gift of your spirit. Like snowflakes in the passing breeze, each blessing is sent out into the world and delivered to every person you have bestowed a word. With your eyes closed and your heart full hold your wishes for the world in your hands. See each wish as a snowflake held in your hands. Take a deep breath in just like you were going to blow out the candles on your birthday cake and blow into your hands. Know in your heart with full certainty that each gift will be delivered perfectly and that you have absolutely put generosity of your spirit out into the world for all to feel. Now let your mind watch- like a snow globe as the world receive its gifts. You need no money to bring happiness and love to the people around you. We all have something to give-  it is a little shine out from the light in our hearts.

A Forty Day Challenge.

It occurs to me that much of my upsets in life are simply from getting out of balance. When I spend my time judging myself- my actions, my world, I then end up turning that judgement onto the people around me and their actions. I begin to set a course according to these judgments. I inevitably start to tip the scales of my views to the sides I believe to be "right." The problem comes with this over-steering. This is where my balance is lost, and my life begins to slosh from the sides. Soon I am an empty vessel with nothing left to give. I have spilled out too much in every direction being too nice here and greedy there. Overindulgent in some ways and self-sacrificing in others. My view of the world gets so skewed that I no longer make reasonable decisions or have the capacity to see straight. How do we find our way when the world is moving so quickly around us? Is there any steady place where one might step back and get a clearer view to try and navigate life with a bit more equanimity?

So, here I am in the middle of a 40 day, 31-minute meditation. I have tormented myself with the fear of messing this up. The rules are that you must complete your meditation each day. If you forget for any reason or neglect to do it for whatever purpose you must start over completely from day one. I find that terrifying- like the thing of nightmares. I was facing some pretty serious resistance to this assignment. It took some time for me to negotiate it with myself but I have contractually signed on to do this thing, and I am committed to it despite my absolute distaste for being forced into such things. I am a fighter- I rebel against authoritative pressures. I abhor being told what I have to do and then being given unnecessarily hard rules. This was sure to be a test of my integrity and a real battle against my inner dialogue.

I have been given a meditation chosen especially for me by my mentors and is part of my latest yoga teacher training.  Without a doubt, I can be sure it will give me a new perspective from which to view life. If I can make it through I will also have some real pride in having actually accomplished it. I am of course doing this alongside my fellow teachers in training each having been given personalized meditations that are unique to fit the respective paths on this journey.
I partnered up with a friend to help us stay accountable and to stay on track. We text each other to let the other know when we have finished for the day. My partner has started over a couple of times now. She is a trooper and just declares she must need more time. I cannot lie, I freak out at the mere thought of messing this up.
I am the queen of forgetfulness. There are more times I have screwed up my schedule than ever stuck to it. I am so paranoid about missing a day that I have become obsessed with getting it done. It is to the point that everything else may be pushed to the wayside just so I get this meditation done. I am, so far, still on my first try and only 18 more days to go. This is no way makes me feel better. As a matter of fact, each day is just a day closer to the end, and that means makes a foul up at this point- tragic.
I do not think that meditating is supposed to amp up your anxiety, yet here I am. Leave it to me to figure out a way to make this a stressful event.
My personalized meditations consist of three that combine for my required 31 minutes. My first and most painfully awkward is for self-love and self-understanding. It is a three part exercise that begins with 11 minutes of quiet breathing. I hold a pose with one hand over my head then 2 more 3-minute postures that continue to drain the blood from my arms. This leaves me feeling achy and tingly for several minutes.
So far I have experienced days of complete restlessness where my mind refuses to cooperate. I spent the entire time fighting against the want to go and do something else. These type days I feel like I am wasting my time. I seem to believe that I have more important things to get done. I am quite aware that self-love is being worked on when these days arise. I am blown away by the overwhelmingly obvious message that I am putting cleaning my house or some other task before my self-care. Other times I find myself wishing I had that 31 minutes to add to my workout. This thought presents me with my addiction to my workout. I worry about the amount of time I will have to spend on it. It has come to my attention that working out takes top priority slot in my day.
Next is my focus and clarity meditation. This one is only 3 minutes and goes by very fast. At first, I disliked the hand position for this one and found myself having a difficult time keeping my posture correct. The pose has since come to remind me a bit of an elephant trunk which I find a bit comical, and it fits since it is the Ganesha meditation. I focus on this elephant trunk image and remind myself this is to be a remover of obstacles in my life. ( The irony of my own thoughts being my obstacles is not lost on me.)
I purposely make the prosperity meditation my last. It is much easier to sit with myself during this one. I have movement and mantra to keep my mind busy. This one I easily get lost in, and it goes by very quickly.
Finding the quiet meditations more difficult is expected and yet unsettling. Until I started to meditate, I did not realize what a challenge it is to sit quietly with my mind. My first lesson has realized my restlessness.  Comparing the moving meditation and the still has been very eye-opening.
This unrest is the starting point of my anxiety. I am finding that time is the catalyst to much of my angst in life. These two elements, time and unrest, come together into a storm in the form of "need to dos." I have realized through stillness that I am constantly on a self-made timeline- a perpetual race to get to the next task. I have set myself up with a never ending list of chores and a tight, no-nonsense schedule in which they must get accomplished.
No wonder I have found life exhausting and so often feel overwhelmed.
I have begun asking myself "So what misfortune befalls us if the laundry doesn't get done right now?" "Who dies if I do not unload those dishes until I come in to make dinner?" "Can I relax even if I see a bit of dog hair on my floor after I already vacuumed this morning?" Many times the answer is a resounding  "No, " and I find myself back in the race. I seem to be fighting to keep the balance between feeling like a complete slob and being a task master to myself- but I am working on it.

If this 40 day brings more peace and gratitude to my life, it will have been worth it. I am hanging in there and will report back in once finished. Perhaps I will have found more insights in the remaining days. Until then, wish me luck!

You and Me

If you take this walk with me,


You may find me witty and easy on the eyes,


But stop, and take a longer look,


You will see so much more inside.



Underneath the exterior,


Far down to the core,


You would find a soul that's searching-


I hear a call not easily ignored.



You might watch and wonder,


as tears come to my eyes,


In my words and every tender moment,


I feel an intensity I can't deny.



I am forever questing,


for reasons, ideas, and truths,


Searching out my faith and love, inner peace and proofs.



Layer upon layer,


Not easily described,


I am endless mix of feelings and


emotions that turbulently collide.



In life, I am often conflicted,


So confused and hard to know,


I am moods forever changing,


A stream of thoughts that toss my soul,



There is one thing that is forever,


It has permanence in my heart,


That is love- so never ending,


It is a sea that never parts.




You are in my ocean,


You are moonlight on its ebb,


You move with me and light my path,


You have followed where ever I have led.




You've had patience with my yearnings,


Given space and let me grow,


Pain is in my process,


But I so truly know...




When my waves are breaking,


And every-things unrest,


The outcomes of those makings-


have always been for best.




Whats bent and is not broken,


What waits, believes and knows,


That is more than ordinary-


it is love in growth.



At another crossroad to the journey,


with another lesson learned,


you look at me and hold my hand,


we've made it through a turn.




It's been a daunting journey.


It's been a crazy ride.


It's another joy of living,


And here we are side-by-side.




Let's just take this moment-


let's stop and rest and see,


The end of our latest chapter-


still, culminates with You and Me.

Dragged from the Plane: United.

How can we live in a free country when we must fear being unfairly punished by law enforcement officers? 

I had a short conversation with a woman who works at my doctor's office today.

I have been mulling over our conversation for hours now. Such a brief little joking comment stirred up an entire dilemma in my mind. The conversation was about summer and travel. I joked about Xanax for the flying trips. I then made a joke about flying United thus needing the Xanax before we ever take off. Perhaps you have heard about the man drug off of his United flight in recent news? (https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/10/business/united-flight-passenger-dragged.html) The words that she spoke in reply have mystified me all day long. "He should have gotten up and got off the plane"she said to me. 

I am a thinker. I often take a comment and mull it overs for hours. I like to learn and grow with the theories behind people's beliefs. I want to test myself and the beliefs I hold- to figure out all the possibilities.

I admit, I would have done exactly as any officer asked of me. Why would that have been my action? Assuming I had paid for my ticket and boarded with all proprieties met, why would I bend to unfair treatment? 

Upon introspection it is not because I should have to give up my seat to a higher bidder. It is not because it is customary or lawful to be forced out of my purchased seat.

No, it is because I am afraid officers might come break out my teeth. I fear being beaten senseless because I dared to stand up for my rights as a human, citizen and customer.

I am no police hater. I support catching bad guys. Going after people who are out to hurt innocent people is a noble cause. I have  respect for anyone who acts with integrity and serves as a protector to their fellow man. 

I do have a big problem with all misuse of authority. 

I am always baffled by police interventions that do not involve any broken laws. How is such a matter within the scope of their duties. Who decides it is a police matter when no laws are being broken and no one is in any danger?

I am pondering these questions as I get back to the United flight. I consider my reply, "I would have given up my seat. But I always respect those who stand up for their rights because without them, we would have no rights."

I do not believe the police have any authority to oversee company policies. Policies are not the same as laws. The officers could have told United Airlines that this was not their business- this was a matter for a courtroom. The police are only needed to arrest an airline employee who physically removes a peaceful, paying passenger from his seat.

We blindly accept the actions of anyone considered an authority in our society. People, as well as officers, believe that questioning authority in itself is a crime.(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contempt_of_cop) There is even a belief among many that disrespect of authority is worthy of grievous battery. Punishment is carried out by officers without any court ruling or guilty verdict.

What does it mean to be an American?

We are safe to know and exercise our rights.

We are free to live without fear of unfair authority or injustice because we have a Bill of Rights and a Constitution.

We are innocent until proven guilty within those rights and have the right to a jury of our peers. 

We have become numb to the truth and forgotten what freedom looks like. Though we know the words "I support" we have lost sight of freedom as being unafraid to exercise our rights. To actually support freedom we stand up for justice. We have lost our sense of morality and integrity as we defend bullies and shame victims. 

The undeniable truth surrounding this whole ordeal for me can be boiled down to four points of law.

1. Officers of the law are not meant to enforce company policies. 

2. It is still not a crime to disrespect authority. We remain free to be complete assholes as long as we remain peaceful. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Failure_to_obey_a_police_order)

3. No amount of perceived danger or disrespect empowers an officer to assault, beat, gun down or in any way harm innocent civilians. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lists_of_killings_by_law_enforcement_officers)

4. Justice is for courtrooms not streets or airplane cabins.

5. "In accordance with human rights law, victims have a right to forcibly resist police brutality where absolutely necessary to prevent serious and irreparable harm. Notably, police brutality entailing extrajudicial killings, torture and inhuman treatment may be resisted."(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Police_brutality)

I feel we must bring to light how often we can no longer trust the people who are supposed to uphold justice and protect the innocent in our country. Fellow officers are supporting these transgressions and become angry at people who oppose the wrongdoing.(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_wall_of_silence) Even our courts are often not upholding justice for wronged citizens and punishing wrongdoing by authorities. 

 The U.S. Supreme Court has consistently held that officers be given the benefit of the doubt that they acted lawfully in fulfilling their duties, a position reaffirmed in Saucier v. Katz, 533 U.S. 194 (2001).^[4]"

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_wall_of_silence)

 I am not asking anyone to become unruly or even disrespectful. I do not believe we must take justice into our own hands. I am asking for support for the people who are putting themselves in harms way to right wrongs by authority figures. Let's help by standing up for their rights, even when they acted lawfully but disrespectfully. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural_and_legal_rights) Remember your rights and expect that they be supported and protected. Let's defend freedom and live as our forefather's believed American's were meant to.