Shouting in Silence

 

Silenced viadeviantart

I had the most amazing experience when I went on a retreat with my yoga family last year.
I traveled by myself for the very first time at the age of 42 years old. I was so overwhelmed by the idea of it that I freaked out and tried to cancel the whole trip one day before travel. I was darn disappointed to find out that extreme anxiety was not a good enough reason to incite my travel insurance which would have allowed me to cancel the whole thing without losing all my money.
Unable to waste that much money I dutifully decided I would just have to bite the bullet and make my way to Costa Rica.

They said it would be life changing. I would make life long friends and learn so much about myself.

It was more than I was even told. The changes in my life have been so transformative that you would not even recognize that other girl- the pre-Costa Rica me. What a year it has been since that experience.

Shouting to be told in Silence was the prompt and this is what flowed from that girl I used to be.

She whispers, her voice meek and timid.
The words so strong find no breath, She has wisdom and compassion to share.
Her throat constricts, her breath ragged and labored- her heart pounds.

Her mind is trapped within a cage of inarticulation.
Built over time by fear of misunderstandings, her truth has been suspended.
Noose around neck, she is always on trial. Judged, misconstrued- guilty.

Her reality constantly turned on it's head as if thrown into a whirlwind.
She searches for tools to escape watching time whisk by. Waiting and watching, in search of some moment to slip by unnoticed.
Deafening quiet. She has been hiding and voiceless for far too long.
She does not recognize the way to freedom.

She is waiting and hoping with prayers of being freed by sudden perception. See me.
Begging to be recognized, to be acknowledged- redeemed in a revelation.

The real her- her words, emotions and her soul caught in a web of tangled inaccuracy's. She has been shouting for years but her story is always told in silence.

I took a a chance and read this poem to our yoga class. With courage I put myself out there with a New York Times best seller in the crowd. She immediately told me it was good- worthy of editing. I could be a writer? 

 I had been silenced by everyone in my life. I walked on eggshells because I was always wrong. I was silenced by judgements and expectations that I could never fulfill. I had shrunken from life barely living, rarely leaving my house. Even when there was no one in the real world wearing me out and causing me to have anxiety, I was haunted by the critical voice that constantly plays commentator in my head. That virtual Simon Cowell who has been there my entire life as far as I remember and pulls no punches. It goes over my every interaction with a fine toothed comb. Just digging for some possible misstep to play repeatedly at night. Always stealing my sleep as well as my daytime peace.

I returned realizing they were right, those beautiful yogi's. I met amazing people and made beautiful friendships. I found supportive people who give me strength and resilience through their kind words and continued reassurances.

I am now five months past that Costa Rica trip. My world has opened up and become an incredibly exciting place. I joined the elephant journal apprenticeship where I am continuing to develope my writers voice. I am so proud to have survived the editor's to have eight articles published. The old me could not have withstood the editors notes no matter how gentle. I am now in my second yoga teacher training and just finished the Rewind program to become certified to work with breast cancer patients/survivors. I could never have put myself in front of a full classroom and spoken with calm and sureness to instruct yoga.

The lesson for me has been that support is everything for a person. Finding relationships that feed your soul and allow you to share real community do change your existence. Your tribe does create your vibe.

The beauty is that I now go out into the world and seek to be supportive so that I may give back the gift I have been given. I have become the gift that keeps on giving.

An Empath's Responsibility.

"Our capacity to be nonviolent [i.e. empathic] depends on our proactive practice of courage, balance, love of self, and compassion for others." Adele, Deborah. The Yamas & Niyamas: Exploring Yoga's Ethical Practice.

Reading people is what I do. I have always known when people are grumpy, sad, hurt, upset, frustrated, offended. I sense it as if it were my emotion. I see their emotions in their eyes. I can begin to perceive it's connection in the world as I watch for clues in their speech and mannerisms.

Being an intuitive person we must remember that old saying "with great power comes great responsibility."

I felt victimized and hurt by my relationships. I thought others saw me and my overwhelm as clearly as I saw them.

Realizing that we may be in the same forest- but we see completely different trees, helped me to understand that I am responsible for showing people who I am. I thought there could be no greater gift. I am sensitive to people's every whim. I can see when someone has gotten their feelings hurt or if something is bothering them. I was not aware that by being so very in tune with them, I lost me. I had begun taking on other's emotions and made it my job to change the world in an effort for them to be happy. I watched as they became more and more reliant on me. My "fixing everything" for them fed into a belief that the world too, would always fit their every whim. My empathic need led me to over-help which had not prepared them for when life was not willing to bend for them. If I chose to eat at a restaurant that one of my kids didn't want to go to it was my job to try and make everyone happy. I worked to try to convince help to be happy or I would give in and we would go somewhere else. I planned to see a movie, but the rest of the family wanted a different film. I would cave to their preference, or we wouldn't go at all.  I had become so lost in other people's emotions that I stopped feeling mine altogether. My to-do list on repairing myself and my relationships has been challenging. I have to have the gumption to assert myself and demand equality.

I make decisions for myself that others may not agree with or like.

I turn my intuition inward to know myself again. Draw lines of separation between my likes and other's preferences.

I look for balance rather than placating. The most challenging action I have learned is the art of saying "no" to people. The power struggle for fairness for myself has been daunting, to say the least. There is push back from my loved ones. It is hard to keep my bearings. I often feel selfish (especially when I am repeatedly told that I am.) Change feels strange and uncomfortable to them. I no longer act as they wish and have come to expect. This self-work is the hardest change I have ever made in my life. There are inconsistencies in my behavior as I try to navigate this new world. I sometimes have to seek advice from trusted confidants to be sure I am on staying on track.  It has been heartbreaking to realize how completely unhealthy I have lived. My empathy has hurt me, and the people I love. All that realization has been the driving force to keep me going. I am determined to make changes and live with integrity to the wisdom bestowed. The upside is the empowerment and excitement about life. I am checking off my bucket list items. I have accomplished things that I never dreamed I would, or even could. The biggest lesson has been finding that unlike me, other people do not know when I am overwhelmed or hurt. They do not even have a clue that I am overburdened. When I begin to perceive heaviness in a relationship, I understand that I am taking on their problems. I am responsible to stand up for myself. I must then create separations to protect them and me. My over-giving had become perceived neediness from others in my relationships

As an empath, we must realize that our power can be disabling to others because we coped for them. This very special gift comes with the responsibility to not get lost in the blurrrd lines of self to others.

What an amazing discovery it has been to find me. I am out of that box of victimized self-deception and believing that it is noble to put myself last. I have come out of hiding, as I can differentiate my energies from those of others.

Are you an empath often overwhelmed by your relationships? You too might benefit by establishing some new rules in your relationships.

You Know Sexy? Let me Introduce You.

"So, what is sexy?" I asked him. A little twinkle in my eyes because I know exactly what sexy is.
Strangely he knows when he thinks something or someone is sexy but he doesn't know why.
The thing is- I do.
There is a secret to sexy. It isn't easy to put into words but I can describe it.
 Sexy is almost, sometimes, maybe.
Sexy is Angelina Jolie and never Jennifer Aniston.
Sexy is black leather and not white lace.
Sexy is feeling but never knowing for sure. Sexy is the thing you desire but can never have.
Sexy is not the girl next door. She is not the well put together lady, prim and proper with crossed legs and perfect hair.
She is messy and raw. Whether her eyes are lined and her lips painted bright red you will know her. The wild is in her eyes and the that untamed little part of her is what draws you in.
She attracts like a magnet because she is that expansion of everything. The empty space she creates becomes a vacuum that pulls everything toward her. Eyes cannot help but become stuck to her.
She is charming and non-threatening. Her way is flirty, funny- pliable. She wanders in life and like her gaze, she never exactly penetrates anyone or anything.
She is called a tease.
Her movements are not calculated nor her intentions clear, even to her. She is a free spirit-always searching for the next questions answer. She is not out to harm. She has no concept of the possible damage.
Whether she is tying her shoe or licking her lips there is sensuality. Perceived, known.
Her breath is felt from across the room, warm and sweet. Her skin is soft and smooth with every bare place known to every soul within sight.
She is not precise in her actions. She has no want to express power. She is not trying to impress anyone- she just is.
The eyes. It is in the eyes. She will read you and then answer all your questions without a word spoken. She knows. She wills. She senses every desire and men know it.

While you may get a taste, a sample- you will never possess her. Whatever made her, made her fluid. She is a flowing river. Always moving and changing. No beginning and no end she is unable to be caught and rarely ever dammed.
She may seem direct and sure, she may be erratic and disordered.
She is an enigma an perpetual conquest- she is irresistible.
One touch is lightening. One kiss, the kiss of death. She will know you with her body and you will never forget.
The world believes men powerful and she may seem vulnerable. It is the cross of these concepts that creates the beguilement.
Understand that the broken in her was caused by men. Her damage is unyielding. The causes of her unnatural allure set the trap.
She has drawn every arrow straight from the target on her heart and that gaping wound where she bleeds- is where the black hole begins.
She will love you but only as much as she loves everyone- and no one too.
She knows that she has something. She knows there is an allure. Not everyone has it or even knows of it.
She has no idea what it is or how she got it.
Unlike me, she doesn't even know what makes her sexy.
The soft and beautiful never betrays. She is everything that is sexy and to see her is to know it.
Guard your heart. The very ones who broke her will be the ones most attracted.
 

Love Her and Love Thee

Reclaimed strength beyond the tears,

She turned the corner and faced her fears.

Her presence is power and she still turns heads,

No longer just face beauty, her mind leads instead.

The world now hers to wander,

The wind- her wings to fly.

Stronger and resilient she has the will to try.

Support that came to fill her soul,

brought peace that claimed her mind,

Ambition brewing in her heart and love is in her eyes.

She has come to know her worth,

What she gives- she now receives.

Joy to come from this rebirth,

Content she can conceive.

Watch and come to know her,

Follow and be freed.

Accept the truth she offers- 

Love her and love thee.

When you have found a woman who knows her own heart, know she is a woman worthy of your love and respect. She will accept no less.

Written 1-22-99 "Learning to be me."

"The Dreamer"

Forever a dreamer with hopes for his life,

Plans for his future are like birds in the sky.

A life without ambition is a night without dreams,

A day without sunshine- A tree with no leaves.

Beautiful hopes that bring him a smile.

With his mind full of treasures he will pass by the while.

Wonderful thoughts he projects his tomorrow,

Peaceful and positive- the promise he borrows.

In his shining eyes, there burns such a dream,

It brightens the world as we await what he sees.

So who is this dreamer and will we ever know him?

This dreamer I speak of is also this poet. 

Originally Written 5-5-1990

By Traci Fulco

The Girl I Am.

Hi, I am Traci.
  I am an insecure, inhibited girl with the tendency to let other people overwhelm me with their opinions, wants, needs and judgments. I  am a vivacious overachiever when it comes to pleasing others and taking on their burdens. I give so much in fact that I became an empty vessel. I no longer know who I am or what I like. I shrink from things I would like to do for fear of the stress it may cause. If I do well, it might make someone else feel inferior, and if I do poorly, I will be a loser. I try to be of service to others but then often get burned when I ask for a favor returned. I feel guilty and unworthy of other people's time and therefore compensate them far more than customary. I give, with a full heart and with no expectations but I suffer from my feelings of resentment and animosity when I need support and find none.
 I fear abandonment and therefore cannot displease making myself very vulnerable to manipulation. I underestimate my worth- and overestimate my ability to give- leaving me cynical and anxious. I deplete myself, forever striving for generosity and kindness. Efforts that leave me tired and weary because I have nothing left to give. I allow myself to be used and abused in hopes of being loved and accepted. I am often disappointed with my relationships and life.
 I am tired and becoming angry. I often fantasize of hiding, running away, or just throwing everyone out of my life. I convince myself that is the easiest answer. I consider any one of those things workable but never considered changing myself.
 I am still Traci, but I am here to tell you I have a new plan. I went in search of myself. At odds with the life and relationships I created. I am tenaciously learning, growing and transforming myself. I am finding out the things that bring me joy and choosing what I do and do not do based on my needs, wants, and opinions. I am facing the things that cause me stress and fear, and with that, I am becoming braver, stronger, and proud of myself.
I practice new boundaries, only giving when it is a worthy cause, and my efforts are appreciated. I am becoming more independent, resilient, and HAPPY. I am actively weeding out the people and things who hurt me or are “takers” in my life. I am replacing them with individuals who wish to share and complement my efforts with their own.

 I am a girl who has with great effort-stumbled across my ugly truth. I have seen what I cannot unsee, and I choose not to accept it.  Where most spend a lifetime trying to convince themselves they are happy and complete, shrinking from the honesty of ourselves and staying safe on our well-worn path for comfort and ease. I have decidedly jumped into reality come rapture or ruin. I have decided to take a chance and make a change. It is a bumpy and foreign path I now explore. It is challenging and often difficult to face as it shines a light on my shortcomings and insecurities for me to see and note. Even more unsettling it puts me out there for others to see and perceive as they will. Still, I have chosen the path where I live my own my truth. I am facing my fears. I am ready to be down and dirty honest with myself. It is horrifying sometimes, yet it is invigorating and exciting with the promise of immense growth, adventure, and reward.

Hi, I am Traci, and no longer that girl I once was. I am changed and still changing in this process of creating my new life. I am making myself whole as I find my pieces and put them all together for the world to see… I am breaking myself down and examining all the parts to overhaul… to be fluid and keep evolving. I am sometimes struggling and flailing trying to find footing and seeking balance but I am also learning to fly -full of hope and a new love for myself, and I am elated.

I get to be everything I ever was and also everything I want to be. I get to let go of what I am no longer and what does not serve me. I am acknowledging my wounds and mending my brokenness. Becoming what I am meant to be by consciously creating and molding myself. It is painstaking and makes me feel so very vulnerable, but the end product of every lesson is a far more authentic, resilient, respectable, graceful, beautiful and most importantly LOVABLE self.
I am Traci, the very best version, so far.

Water is Life- It Requires Our Respect and Devotion.

Life is me and I am life.

I am water.

Sometimes I wash over in a flood- rushing.

To sweep away all that was and lay ground for new beginnings.

Then I can be a stream, gently flowing. 

The tears that flow with emotion.

Vulnerability. I heal and replenish the soul.

I am the river.

A strong current of life, always moving and changing.

I bring nourishment and gifts. My span immense and my length spans the country.

Though there may be ebb and flow I am constant as I run.

The path for many and a way of deliverance from far away.

 

I am the ocean.

I come in and move out dancing with the moon.

Sometimes powerful and dangerous, always beautiful and eternal.

I can crash and sweep- hiding the past as I keep safe the secrets and drown out sorrows.

I can also be vicious- devouring what seeks to conquer me.

I always bring wonder and inspiration to those who respect me. 

I am the water alive, depleted- yet vital; I will come and I'll go.

I am life giving and life taking- neither all good or bad.  

I am water- and like you, I require care.

Something More. Costa Rica 2016

There is a secret, 

An untold truth.

It begs to be known, yet is somewhat aloof.

It sits quietly with you, 

It is inside and out. 

It rests in your conscious, and even self-doubt.

It knocks at your doorways and lingers in halls,

It shows up with fireflies and falling gongs.

I heard monkey's sing it, we all caught a glimpse.

It is present in each word and with each heightened sense.

This "more" is a presence- power and be-ing.

I see it in you and you see it in me.

We are the children, we give it life.

A gift for our happiness, our strength and our strife.

Walking beside you, together on path-

Strong and together with love in our laugh.

As we sit quietly, attending to mind,

Awareness is the treasure we are all sure to find.

To all the ones who have come to show me the way or be led by my light.  Support is everything.

Meditation

Meditation gives me the power to change my reactions- and that changes everything in my current world. Enlightenment comes in stages. It is sometimes found in that moment when your world stops turning and your mind is suddenly still.  Just for a glimpse, you can look deep inside yourself. I was so profoundly affected by my practice that I decided to become a meditation teacher.

I would like to share with you what meditation has helped me realize so far, and how you too, can begin to see benefits from a personal practice.

It is true I have walked through some fires and I bear all the scars of those flames. But through self reflection and meditation's clarity I have found purpose and wisdom in the ashes. I now know depths of love and safety that I could have never imagined. I have found a pathway to happiness and home within my own skin. I can honestly say I love my life and I enjoy every second I am given- even the hard and trying days.

For me, it was usually only a monumental circumstance that shook me enough to find a momentary place of stillness. Great joy or great pain would offer a glance that allowed me to realize I am a speck in the universe and that all of the life that I have experienced is only a teardrop in the middle of this giant, endless ocean. I now have a secret door to that place. A clear and uncluttered access to the soul that I truly am. Perhaps you might like to find a door for yourself too.

Strangely, the person I see when I go so far inside is not the person I thought I was at all. She is far removed from what I think to be my inward beliefs. We are both raw and damaged but she is graceful and gentle. Split from my outer self we have been painfully chiseled and fractured apart by unloving judgements and hurtful projections. But safe from the eyes of all the world this soul is still pure, honest and seeking acceptance. She is extremely sure that she is unsure of everything... This authentic soul puts on the smiling mask and persona of what she believes to be acceptable and walks through the her everyday not living her truth. Desperately shielding her tattered soul from being not nice enough, not good enough, not right enough for the people around her.
I look in the mirror at that frightened, shallow person who greets the world everyday and I can see the painfully contrived effort to please.
The truth I can now see is that even at soul level I was a mess. Because I was hurt and torn- I had become bitter and jaded, angry -all that emotion turned inward. A voice in my head always battering my delicate inner conscious with an echolalia of hateful self-deprecating propaganda... In the quiet of meditation, I can go into the eye of that storm where I have found that I am preserved- pure and genuine. I am, and will always be- all the love, joy, laughter, hate, fear and anguish that I have seen and known. But with the quiet mind, I realize I can decide what to do with those past experiences, and I can consciously choose not to wear the mask.

With regular meditation, I have come to see this split in myself clearly. I am working now to allow my experiences to bring the changes of perspective that continue to move me to wholeness. Building trust in my own truths- mask-less.

As I excavate my truth, I am sometimes crashed against the rocks, drug out to the sea, eroded further by my unrealized emotional pain. But I know now that I am being weathered into the beautiful soul that I am meant to be. With each breath I take--- she becomes a little more me- mask removed. I can let down my shield when I see that I was challenged not tortured by the things that once made me this beautifully broken girl.
Vulnerability exposed becomes a beautiful experience. Mistakes and fears become stories to unearth and own. There has been some shame and sadness especially in having been so blind and ignorant. But there is ever growing self-worth and humble pride in being robust enough to fight for me. To make it through and find profound and absolute love within me, for myself.

I am slowly finding that I can trust and share myself with the right people. No longer in need of sharp cutting facets- I am becoming shiny and smooth with my hard-earned polished edges.

 Here is a quick start to get you into your own healing, meditation practice. The trick to meditation is “practice" so be consistent. Set a timer- there are hundreds of meditation timers available as apps on your phone. Become still and quiet in a comfortable position, and place where you will not be disturbed. When beginning a new practice, it is often helpful to focus on your breath or even repeat a mantra until you find that your mind has slowed. With practice, there are ever growing periods of stillness there. Allow your breathing to become slower, deeper and more even. Let the mind do as it will and let thoughts pass peacefully through your consciousness. Try not to attach to anyone thought. Acknowledge thoughts and simply let them pass by letting your attention gently wander back to the breath or mantra.

Start small with 5 minutes. Build as your ability to stay becomes stronger without need to force. I have had some teachers who believe that silence is the best meditation and others who prefer mantra or peaceful music. My personal belief is that different days will call for different meditations. Do whatever works best for you. Don't be afraid to mix it up and try different methods. Be curious and let it be an adventure to try a variety of meditations. Guided meditations are plentiful, and can be very uplifting. Use whatever methods help you to enjoy your practice. Be consistent with the time you designate to meditate. Let it be a self-indulgent ritual that you adhere to for the sheer joy of being good to yourself. While you cannot expect Buddha himself to fall into your lap- you can expect to find more peace in your days. There will be subtle changes in your coping mechanisms over time.

You will become an ever more patient, graceful, compassionate you.

Meditate, become still, be brave and look deep inside all the way to soul. When you are peacefully a drop in the one vast ocean you will see that you, like me, are a bright and shiny soul- we all are.

Bridge To The Great Political Divide

  The old rule of thumb in conversation was never talking about religion or politics.

It didn't take long on Facebook for me to figure out that posting about those subjects will also get you roasted pretty quickly.

There is a problem in this rule.

 If I can't talk about my opinions then how can I possibly learn or grow? I want to be able to post about an important issue and have a discussion about why someone might disagree with me. Send me links to real subjects that change my perspective and get me thinking about the other side of things.

Call me a doody head and unfriend me and our chances of teaching each other vanish. We also lose all hopes of learning anything personal about each other that could potentially foster goodwill and understanding. Doomed are any hopes of meeting somewhere in the middle- finding common ground. Let's be honest; we can't even call ourselves mature adults.


I grew up right-wing, my family as conservative as they come. Hey, we hail from within the Bible belt. We like our guns, flags, and Church on Sunday. Then, when I got uncomfortable, I dared to venture outside my Time magazine and Fox News reality bubble. Bless my soul- I found that I might just be a little ignorant to the "other side" of things.


The delivery of this lesson was not a gentle tap on the shoulder. It was a full on, ego-shredding brick to the head. Long story, short. I got ousted from a home-school group over a disagreement on illegal immigrants. When I say ousted, I mean thrown out in an online hate storm and name calling. I was called a racist- Rush Limbaugh. ( I didn't even know who Rush Limbaugh was but I was pretty sure it wasn't a compliment when they called me by that name.) I asked the organizer of the group to please present me with her arguments. Enlighten me with stories and ideas. Broaden my horizons!

Instead, I was cut off from the entire group and never spoken to again. I was devastated. Even in the throes of my Republican propaganda regurgitation days, I was not a racist. That one hurt. I had to do some soul searching. One of the more gentle ladies did contact me to say that she did not believe me to be racist from my point of view on illegal immigration- after all, she told me, plenty of people here illegally are in fact, white people. Still, I was broken-hearted and confused because, in my mind, I was a patriot, American.


It wasn't until after I educated myself (pulled my head out of the sand) that I realized---I was biased and uninformed (a hapless dope) who had been brought up under a narrowed belief system. I had one side of every story. I had no influence that might cause me to question that teaching. I was living with the programming of my upbringing and experience. What I had said in my defense was correct to my best knowledge. I honestly had no idea how I had come under such fire-

But I was sure as shit going to find out!


First, I got a subscription to Newsweek. I actively compared the stories there to the ones in my Time Magazine. I began to study the issues from different angles to try and understand how people came to their varying opinions and differences in approach. I wanted to dissect and form an educated opinion rather than just follow the conservative or liberal slants. I began to challenge my knee-jerk assessments and heartily search for alternate viewpoints to disprove my ideas. I learned research without forming opinions. To pull all my information together and only then use critical thinking to make decisions. I learned how to broaden my personal perspectives.

"Critical thinking is essential if we are to get to the root of our problems and develop reasonable solutions. After all, the quality of everything we do is determined by the quality of our thinking."

(http://www.criticalthinking.org/pages/our-mission/599)

I began to see with absolute clarity the human issues and rigidity of beliefs that divide us in this country.


In the grand scheme of things, we all need and want the same things. To paint it with a wide brush: We want to be treated fairly and given proper credit for our efforts. We want to be free to raise children and for those children to also be free, healthy and happy. We want to be able to enjoy our lives. To be safe, and still have peace and justice in our homes, our country, and our world.

Why then are we all at each other's throats? We are so ready to throw down and fight or slam the door and walk away. How can we be this divided over the way seek to go about getting our needs met?

This inability to express ourselves and speak our needs doesn't bode well for anyone's argument nor, does it offer much hope for the human race in problem-solving.

So, what is the obstacle to our ability to compromise?

It is my belief that it stems from poor communication and a fear of new ideas that might oppose our own.

I believe if communication skills and emotional intelligence were required studies in our schools, society would be better equipped to impart their needs more effectively. There would be understanding that fear makes us judgmental and intolerant. With proper tone and wording, it would be safe to ask questions about other cultures and religions,   allowing for tolerance and more overall understanding of one another. Right speech could build camaraderie like never before in our world- beginning in our homes.

 Right speech: Abstaining from lying, from divisive speech, from abusive speech, and from idle chatter. ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path)

There is a lack of understanding the importance of the clarity of our words and tone we speak them. There is such normalcy in the mass use of verbal abuse and false argument. We are so reactive- we have become unable to comprehend or tolerate intelligent conversation. As a result, much of our population is functionally unable to access any workable mentality as a cohesive group. Bad arguments are the cornerstones of the debates on our news and Facebook feeds. Further descending us even deeper into unconquerable ego battles. Competing mercilessly to be heard- and be right, with a winner-takes-all ego to bully us on we possess no skills to perfect win-win scenarios that could ultimately transform our communities.


"The attitudes you bring to communication will have an enormous impact on the way you compose yourself and interact with others. Choose, to be honest, patient, optimistic, sincere, respectful, and accepting of others. Be sensitive to other people's feelings, and believe in others' competence." (http://www.wikihow.com/Develop-Good-Communication-Skills)

Using the lessons of The Four Agreements and Non-Violent Communication, I approach Facebook and life differently now. I try to come from a place of curiousness. I ask people who seem very sure about things if they have considered other people's points of view. I express, how I have found that I can rarely have a perfect idea of how things "should" work. When I take the time to examine whether things proposed might be harmful in some way- they usually are. I speak of my fears of doing unforeseen harm with harsh policies and rigid stances.

If there is any hope of making improvements in this world, we will have to work together. The shift toward mindfulness has arrived. Those following the movement have the want to be conscious and tame the ego. Progress is depending on those. To aid our population in unity, excellent communication skills and to nurture growth in others will help preserve the goodwill. Working on communication, we can demonstrate the skills to our families and with those we interact. We can carry the motion forward and hope to change the trajectory of what has become our Achilles heel and self-degradation as a civilization.

My thoughts on Eric Shaw's Rant

"Other people's opinions have nothing to do with you."

It is a rare thing these days to read an article and been so completely shocked that my mouth was literally hanging open. Eric Shaw shocked the yoga world in Dallas, Texas with a scathing rant directed at women.  (https://www.facebook.com/notes/eric-shaw/masculinism-101-a-response-to-the-feminist-recoding-of-history/10158227707910228)
Eric Shaw is a well-known and formerly a highly respected member of the yoga community as an E-RYT 500 and a continuing yoga education provider. He has been teaching yoga since 2001, but his personal practice goes back even further. Having instructed all over the world and has even helped to develop curriculum for the Yoga Alliance. He has his own system of teaching, writes training manuals, and regularly is asked to lecture at area teacher training. He is a very busy yogi and has a full schedule of lectures and workshops all over Texas and worldwide. (http://prasanayoga.com/)
I am baffled as I ponder what could have caused such a person to publically display such hurtful and reactive things? In his blog, he says "Mother Nature is still being kept from killing human society by an army of men that confronts her every day." Apparently, even the feminine aspect of Mother Nature has offended him. The assertion that Mother Nature is attacking us is a very odd stance. I presume his belief to be that we are being protected from mother nature by the big oil industry.  A very unique way of seeing the situation, indeed. He mentions Deepwater Horizon as proof of our need for protection from Mother Nature's wrath. However, as I see it, big oil "woke the sleeping giant" when they dared to "mess with Mother Nature."
His attack on women is pretty vicious. He calls women succubus while never commenting on the inequality, oppression or mistreatments of women. Women still endure unequal pay for the same job and safety from those "bedrock hardened men" he mentions. As a matter of fact, every issue he mentioned was poorly represented, misleading and pivotal points were entirely ignored. That first post was such an inflammatory, wildly opinionated and fact-less argument that I didn't even think it deserved a rebuttal.
An interesting complication for Eric is that Yoga, his bread, and butter, is primarily practiced by women. Men are only 27.8% of the yoga community. (http://www.statisticbrain.com/yoga-statistics/) He has without a doubt damaged his reputation, perhaps irreparably. Whatever kindness and good he has accomplished will most likely forever be tarnished by this day.
For me, the question becomes, has he truly always held these opinions?  Has he practiced alongside women for all those years with such disdain for them and yet he managed to hide it only to blurt it out on Facebook one day? There is no doubt that a significant lapse in his mindfulness occurred. But then, stress and upset cause us all to lose our minds temporarily. Whatever the reason for this rant we can all learn from this experience. A momentary blip in our variable and fragile mental state could someday be the beginning of our own complete self-destruction.
As yogis, we can view this as a very unique opportunity. We can accept the challenge to try to mindfully process it. Ask yourself, do I have the ability to mindfully withhold judgment. To choose to see it impartially as a man acting from his place on his path. The challenge is to have compassion and empathy for this man. To understand something was experienced that caused such a reaction from him.
 If I am compelled to be angry and reactively call out hatefully back at him, I am no more mindful than he. To stand as judge and jury from my imaginary high horse- from an ignorantly perceived moral high ground only puts me in a position ever tenuous and fleeting. As I judge, I will indeed be judged.
 With this understanding, I will not be casting stones from my glass house. I have my own issues. I have been so ridiculously reactive as to curse at gas pumps- to have thrown hamburgers from car windows and stomp on un-openable packages that have managed to surpass my ability to cope. On my not-so-good days, I just might "burn down the village" just as he did today.
My non-reaction does not mean I agree with him. It does not make me less that he said derogatory things about women. I am the same- only our understanding of him is different.
"Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." ~ Miguel Ruiz

The Hardship Of Conscious Consuming.

The Hardship that is Conscious Consuming.

I am finding it to be harder and harder to be a conscious consumer. I am constantly bombarded with new information about how even the seemingly simplest of things that we do has far more reach and repercussion than we give credit. The choices I make offhandedly when I am shopping are the decisions that collectively make millionaires and close down mom-and-pop shops.

 I had gone over the ingredients with a fine toothed comb and thought I had found a product that I could feel good about purchasing. I get home and read a news story of how my new favorite peanut butter contains palm oil- an industry that is mercilessly killing orangutans. Next, my eye is caught by a horrifying video of newborn chicks being tortured and killed immediately after birth by egg farms. I was so upset by that scene that it sent me on a quest to figure out how to stop being an accomplice to the torture of chickens. Trying to sort through the information around egg farming led to the confusion of trying to distinguish "free range" "cage free" and "pasture raised."  All this research work is going to require serious dedication. I am spending my entire day on web searches. Just when I have my answer to one conundrum, some new realization sends me on yet another wild goose chase to sort through.

Today a quick google search for smoothie ingredients has turned into yet another product calamity, and I am knee deep in disturbing information again. It seems I have uncovered that is standard practice to use of mercury, formaldehyde, and urea in my makeup's ingredients.

"Urea can be irritating to skin, eyes, and the respiratory tract. Repeated or prolonged contact with urea in fertilizer form on the skin may cause dermatitis. High concentrations in the blood can be damaging. Urea can cause algal blooms to produce toxins, and its presence in the runoff from fertilized land may play a role in the increase of toxic blooms. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urea)

How am I supposed to cope with the stress of every little thing being a life and death decision?

I now know that trying to prevent weeds in my yard has the potential to give me Parkinson's Disease. When the city sprays pesticides meant to kill mosquitoes they are inadvertently wiping out the bee populations. Everywhere I turn there is more scientific proof that the things I buy and use every day are poisoning me and have a high occurrence of disease-causing potential.

 How many times have you heard the commercial for a new drug that has caused mass deaths and is being recalled? Even the medicine I take is not safe. It is up to me to do the research on its safety lest I am the next one with terrible damage to my health along with all the other unsuspecting people who trusted in its safety.

I feel like I am walking through a mine field every time I walk into a store. The bad ingredient list in one hand and my boycotted brand roster in the other has become as tedious as a needle in a haystack that I have to pick through. I feel like there should be credentialed- geniuses in lab coats doing this work. I am just a wife and mom whose primary concern should be finding the best price or figuring out which brand tastes the best.

Wait a minute! Isn't there an agency for assuring the safety of our products and tasked with preventing environmental harm from hazardous products? Isn't that the FDA's job? 

Well, a little more research into how the Hell this stuff is happening, and here we go again. There is an unbelievable amount of cover-up, misinformation, advertising fraud, and blatant underhandedness being allowed by our government's supervising agencies. Does the bad news ever end? Complacency, incompetence but most disturbingly- bribes and kickbacks are allowing unsafe products on our shelves. Obviously, it is the time that I stop naively believing that somebody is looking out for my best interests.

We are on our own, guys.

"When the FDA finds scientific fraud or misconduct, the agency doesn’t notify the public, the medical establishment, or even the scientific community that the results of a medical experiment are not to be trusted. On the contrary. For more than a decade, the FDA has shown a pattern of burying the details of misconduct." (http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2015/02/fda_inspections_fraud_fabrication_and_scientific_misconduct_are_hidden_from.html)
When I mention these things to people, I get mixed reactions. Some people are skeptical but set out to fact check and see if I have a clue what I am talking about. Those are the people that I consider my companions in this battle. I am frustrated by the ones who just look at me like I have two heads and ask me where my foil hat went.

There is no doubt it is a big hill to climb. The predicament we are in is not simple to assess, nor elementary to absolve.

 To be quite honest we are in a pretty big pickle here.

Our best progress as consumers has been in actively engaging in educating ourselves and coming together to boycott brands and products that are not worthy of our standards.  We are capable of bringing change by being conscious consumers.  By hitting these companies in their "bottom line" with boycotts, our buying power shows these big companies that we do care, and we will sacrifice some simplicity and convenience to prove it- our lives depend on it. We have the power to bring about changes in this world that better us all- humans and animals. We just have to get in and stay in the fight.

We are turning the tides- slowly but surely.

How to Stop Living a "Shouldy" Life.

Live your days on the positive side of life, in tune with your most treasured values. And in each moment you'll have much to live for. Ralph Marston
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ralphmarst564350.html?src=t_values

Live your days on the positive side of life, in tune with your most treasured values. And in each moment you'll have much to live for. Ralph Marston
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ralphmarst564350.html?src=t_values

Live your days on the positive side of life, in tune with your most treasured values. And in each moment you'll have much to live for. Ralph Marston
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ralphmarst564350.html?src=t_values

Live your days on the positive side of life, in tune with your most treasured values. And in each moment you'll have much to live for.  ~ Ralph Marston

You should clean the house.
You should cook.
You should bathe the dog.
You should go out and play with the kids.
You should exercise.

Isn't there a "should" to chasing my dreams?

I get overwhelmed with everyday life to the point that I am just not functioning well and my happiness has drained from me completely. I know it is happening when I forget appointments, losing everything I touch, yelling at inanimate objects ("Damn you, toaster! You burned my toast!") and just feeling tired- bone tired.
I want to be fulfilled and have a zest for the world, but it got sucked into the black hole of not-enough-time. The flip side is slowing down to smell the roses, I inevitably begin to feel as if I am getting behind. The laundry is piling up, dog hair is my new rug, and I would rather eat dirt than cook dinner by this point. Trying to carve out a life in all this living sometimes seems impossible. My mind tells me that this is my lot. It is no wonder I need antidepressants and anxiety drugs to function. This existence is enough to trample anyone's will.

The words to release me from this self-imposed prison cut through the static in my head: "You are only going to get the life you want by creating it."

These "shoulds" are just going to have to take a break now and then. If I am going to write, take a yoga class, go on a girl trip, or even just paint that picture I have been planning in my head for months- I am going to have to give myself permission to spend some time on the things that are emotionally significant to me.

 I have devised a simple method of sorting through the muck and creating the life of your dreams.

I call it: Stop shoulding all over the place. 

How am I sure I am not living from a "shouldy" value system? Simple- make up a eulogy! Yep, sounds crazy but I decided to put some time into the thought of who I want to be known as at the end of my life. A list of characteristics I believe defines that person leads me to be that person. Using a calculation from the components I want to embody, and the things in my life that are important, it was easy to prioritize and live according to my values.

I decided that I want to be kind, graceful with my word, empathetic, trustworthy, generous, supportive, forgiving, respectful and respected, secure, humble, joyful.
I ask myself- Do my actions and reactions match these traits?

I listed the things that are important to me:

• Health/ Well-being- nothing else matters without this.
• Marriage/Romantic Relationship- the person to share life with forever.
• Parenting- my part in creating the future.
• Extended family relationships- the backbone of my existence.
• Friends/ Social life- the fun and adventure of life.
• Career/ Work- my feeling of personal growth and development.
• Recreation/ Hobbies- the things that bring me joy and peace.
• Spirituality- my center for living my values.
• Citizenship/ Volunteer Work- what I give to the world.
  
  Live your days on the positive side of life, in tune with your most treasured values. And in each moment you'll have much to live for. Ralph Marston
  Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ralphmarst564350.html?src=t_values

If these are the things in life, I value- do I live with the actions that create my intentions? Is my time allotted according to my personal priorities or by some other dictations- society, parental influence, occupational expectation, ect.?

When daily living matches personal values, there is peace and happiness.  We have begun living instead of "shoulding."

Healing My Mind With Yoga: A story of PTSD processing.

My most compelling personal experience with the healing principles of yoga began as an ordinary day. I had finished my daily yoga, homeschooled my kids and finished some housework. I had started cooking dinner. Standing in my kitchen stirring the boiling noodles for macaroni and cheese- I had nothing particular on my mind nor was anything upsetting me. With no warning, it began.

 Just as I might try to define love in actual words- “It” (my experience) was an intense and crazy mixture of feelings: fear, panic, dread, pain. I have anxiety in my everyday life but the experience of my regular anxiety to this day’s experience is like an ant to an elephant. I share the rest of it as a poem because defining it concretely just doesn’t do it justice.


My mind suddenly fractured into a million pieces. I cannot grasp even one thought as they fly around the room like an improbable poltergeist intrusion.

My body revolts with tension. Muscles restrict, at ready to run and find shelter. Alas, one cannot outrun their mind.

I am tumbled and tossed as the storm brews inside- there is no ground left un-shaking.

I struggle without anything to steady myself.

An earthquake in my chest, violent it shutters into my bones. I rattle and threaten to shatter like mercury glass in an old wooden frame.

It is bubbling up and stealing my breath. I am drowning in flash flood waters. They wash the ground out from under my feet with the debris of my past rushing past me. Glimpses of recognition send water into my throat; I choke, sputtering to hold on.

Nausea begins its assault, and my head goes beneath the water, I am sure I will succumb. As the many years before there seems no remedy to this disaster.

But then like a light shining through darkness my mind grasps a solid hold.

Yoga.

Forward fold- I calm my nervous system.

Hands firmly on the floor- I ground myself, focus on here and now.

Deep breath in- I am reconstituted and filled with intestinal fortitude.

Long sigh on release- I let the flood waters rush past as I am now only an observer.

Begin again with a deep breath- mental focus on the feeling of expanding the lungs as far as they can go. Mind picturing the filling of a balloon.

Observe the thoughts.

Hold for a beat this time- expanding the capacity of the lungs.

Let the memories flow past. They are below my safe perch- my breath.

Another emphatic sigh on release- forcing more air out of the lungs. Even more. Hold for a beat.

Controlling the breath brings control of my experience.

Continuing with the controlled breath I can be an observer. Passively watching of the mind.

The alchemy that worked for me: hands to the floor is grounding and offered the support of here and now, breath is time between thoughts which gave me space to safely observe my body sensations, the forward fold was a release to my nervous system and availed me the ability to self-soothe.

I believe everyone's equation is personal and developed through experience in yoga. The practice of yoga has become a substantial equivalent to cognitive behavioral therapy, for me. There is a neural map made from our experiences. For those of us with trauma, the pathways have become blocked or are in some way not serving us. The great news is that we can teach ourselves new pathways  There is no one size fits all method of yoga. Our experience in yoga is as vast and different as our other experiences in life, but there is an equation that will fit for every person who cares to look for it.

 Experiencing what I had so long repressed was like suddenly coming out from under a thick blanket. Yoga created a method of safe, controlled response to release old hurts. It allows me to experience life with an entirely new perspective.

  We can reclaim our life- Everyone deserves to be free.

An Appeal For Reason In Politics.

I had stepped away from politics.
My apprenticeship with Elephant Journal has forced me back into the world of news a bit, and immediately I am overwhelmed with the shallow understandings and reactive dynamics of our population. It is no wonder our politics have become so volatile. Our "sharing of opinions" has become reminiscent of the asinine arguments of children. Gone are the intellectual debates that we so sorely need to actually sort out our problems.

Slinging the same mud back and forth has become our means of conversing.

Watch as both sides make excellent points about each others arguments but nobody solves one damn problem.
https://www.facebook.com/journalpoems/videos/926035810829348/
https://www.facebook.com/TheYoungTurks/

Fighting fire with fire burns us all to the ground. It is pointless, frustrating, and a complete waste of time. It leaves us all feeling self righteous in the moment, but drained and hopeless in the long run.
The truth is that until we:

1. Agree to hear the points from a neutral place. 
2. Work together to systematically gather and consider the complications of our proposed solutions.
3. Compromise on a workable agreement where both sides give a little. 

"This is a lost cause."
What exactly am I saying? Our country is a lost cause? Society, humanity? Yes.

We stand to lose everything. We are already far into sacrifice: peace, freedom, morality, law, justice, integrity... We are not even surprised when the next corruption scandal breaks anymore.  I believe the degradation of morale stems from this mass of negativity. Feelings of injustice and victimization are bleeding into the entire culture. Everything we do now seems to have an undercurrent of dissatisfaction that permeates our work, home life and health.

We all know this isn't working and yet we just keep plugging along. Under some self soothing delusion that once we get the next guy into the White House everything will magically be right.
 It isn't the man. It is much, much bigger.

The elephant in the room is that we are operating from a fundamentally broken system. It may have had a good start, but over the years changes have slowly eroded this system of government into a dysfunctional money laundering scam. Voting is not going to fix that. Battling each other will not fix it. Destroying ourselves and and world at large will not fix it.

Hope is in: Conversation. Commitment. Compromise. OPEN-MINDEDNESS.

As long as seething anger is tainting our work, relationships and health we will continue to kill ourselves. It is affecting the very core of our souls so deeply that even the Earth is bleeding from our callousness. Everything we touch we are now tearing apart.

“Hurt people hurt people." Will Bowen

I propose we stop. 
Dave Canterbury once said the perfect thing, "My Dad always told me just go sit down if you are mad. Come back once you are thinking straight." 

It is imperative that we all step back and consider our circumstances more impartially. Change arguments into discussions. 
Let's get clear and point the finger at the real problem rather than each other. 

We are overtaxed and underpaid which leaves us ready to pounce on each other. There is plenty of waste and corruption that has nothing to do with us- the general public. Putting non-opposing issues as pitted adversaries we are cutting each other's throats. Blame is more productively placed on policy than people. We can and should turn our attention to that elephant in the room.

The Respect For Darkness.

I would like to present my case for respecting the darkness.

Remember that weird girl in school? The one with the spider earrings and the black band shirts. She was kind of moody and missed school a lot. She was always cracking jokes and making everyone laugh but inside she was fighting the battle of a lifetime. That was me.

There is no way to fully describe the dark side for those who have never been there. Let me give it my best try: It is gloomy and lonely.  While others around me were playing sports and finding their gifts and talents I was barely scraping by in school and obsessed with dying. I felt like I lived in a world with an excess gravity. Everything seemed harder for me to accomplish, impossible really. Every interaction felt like a burden and drained me of every drop of energy. I was trapped in an unwanted life where I languished. Miserable, I felt judged and misunderstood. My mother would ask what was so horrible about my life. I could only think to explain it as "what is so great"? Her love of life seemed naive. The bits of joy that sometimes happened along just seemed unbalanced to the fact that life is hard. My mind emphasized work, struggling and how I spent most of my time in agonizing worry. Then after years of that drudgery I was going to just die.

It shocked me, years later, to read that they have found that PTSD is perhaps created by our inability to cope with trauma when we feel isolated and unsupported. This concept is commonly demonstrated when servicemen begin suffering after their return to everyday life. Although their family and friends love them they cannot easily empathize with their feelings. They have no one anymore who really understands what they have experienced.

Could something as simple as empathy and support be the cure to such a devastating issue?

I can assure you that voyaging into the darkness of depression is not a choice. There is no draw to make anyone decide to go in and set up residence. I stumbled in quite accidentally at the age of 13 after my friend was murdered. I got abducted by the darkness without even knowing it had overtaken me. There was no warning to let me know that suddenly my mind had shifted. My thoughts had just suddenly become bleak and hopeless- it is not like I realized my thoughts were abnormal from who i had been before... They were still just thoughts in my head. My mind had changed but it was still my mind. I was unable to detect any difference.

For my closest friends and family it was confusing and even frustrating. It looked as though I had willfully abandoned them and that I had the choice to simply come back out. I had one friend who accused me of just wanting attention and I was completely taken aback as that was inconceivable to me. It was painful and alienating to be so incomparable to everyone that they could even come up with such a motivation. I had truly become completely removed from everything and everyone.

Now, before I have you believing that darkness is all bad and has no merit, let me tell you what it gave to me...

 It was a slow recovery that was similar to digging myself out of a grave.  Over time and with a lot of talking, explaining my darkness to my mom and getting professional help, I began to experience some feeling again. We painstakingly exhumed my soul from the dread, fear, hurt, sadness and grief. It took years but I finally emerged, much changed. 

I knew I had recovered when like a sunrise dawning-a vista of brightness and euphoria began to appear before me. Like never before there was a brilliance to existence. My eyes could see and my mind could process... there was light. I began to see happiness even in the mundane. There was excitement and hope. I now had people and places I wanted to explore and appreciate.

There was another new appreciation that had developed. I had a real love in my heart for those hurt and struggling. I was drawn to people who were suffering and able to resonate with the depth of their agony. I had been there, I had known it too.

 The dark side has definitely left it's mark on me. It is the easy understanding of others who are so lost in misery and feel totally isolated from every person in their life. I can hold space for them. I know it is heard when I tell them over and over, I am here and I will be right here as long as you need me to be, even when it seems it is doing no good.

Even 20 years later I still feel like a beacon to those lost in their darkness. I am the living proof that there is possibility of liberation from it's hold.

I celebrate the time I spent in darkness now I know that what almost killed me- instead has made me wiser. My time in the dark has become my gift. It keeps me soft and kind and serves forever as a contrast that allows me to see, and help others find, just how truly resplendent living can be.

A Poem-
The darkest dread is that of fear -and of the unknown,
The deepest pain released in tears, as my depression grows,
That sinking lonely feeling, the hurt cannot be told,
Rearing it's ugly head and crushing me in it's hold,
It tears me from my family- pushes my love down deep inside,
It steals my every moment and belittles me with lies,
This monster dwells within me- it never takes a leave,
It hides amongst the shadows and descends like a disease,
There must be a way to kill it, surely there is a cure,
I must find a way of escaping- not much more can I endure.
Written on 11/5/1991
In the midst of my deepest darkness. I was 17 years old.